Codependency has been the big word popping up for me, and some of my pals, lately. Speaking solely for myself, I mean who else can I speak for, but my fear of being alone for the rest of my life has consistently manifested itself in some not so nice behavioral patterns that could pretty well be labeled as codependent. Basically every time I let my ex get away with something that didn't serve me or put his needs before mine or thought of him as the strong one who I needed in order to be happy, healthy and wise, I was engaging in codependent behaviors and thought patterns. His desire to be the one to save me only reinforced this. So here we were trapped in a pattern where I needed him to feel loved, supported and worthy and he rose to the occasion. (I'm not blaming him FYI, my parents and friends have also supported my "poor wretched me" behaviors as well.) The point is, since codependency has been the word in my life for quite a while and since I've noticed its patterns and characteristics making themselves known when my girls talk about their relationships I've decided to do something about it. Namely, picking up Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More to get to the bottom of these thoughts and release these patterns before I do end up alone or worse, I have a daughter and pass these patterns on to her.
In honor of the one day that comes every four years--happy birthday to everyone who is born on February 29--I have decided that everyone should take one huge leap forward today. A huge leap could be changing career paths, telling someone who have a crush on that you love them or finally forgiving the one person you never thought you'd ever forgive. It could also be as easy as having a cupcake without guilt or talking to a stranger on the train. The thing is, I have no idea what your leap should be but you do. Just think about the one thing you always wanted to do but never had the courage or strength to do and there you go. My huge leap is starting a 40 Day Fear Cleanse to take the time to confront my fear of not being in control. This fear keeps me from fully trusting others and creates negativity in all of my relationships, my career and pretty much every aspect of my life. It used to manifest itself in restrictive eating patterns--aka an easting disorder--and panic attacks, now it shows up on flights, job interviews and even in dealing with my ex-boyfriend. Since I am sick and tired of living in fear, I've decided to stop that -ish and clear the fear in my life. I'll keep you all updated on how the fear clearing is going if you promise me to keep you posted on what your big leap moment is. Even if you don't, I still will.
The sexual revolution was well under way before I was born
This week's question is all about what kind of revolution you want. I'm right with Danielle when she says that there are tons of societal revolutions that she's down for, but can't quite be the fearless leader of because she lacks the whatever it is that is needed to run that show.
I would love to be a healthcare revolutionary, God knows I curse and spit about the lack of affordable, quality healthcare that focuses on prevention and treating the disease not the symptom, but Anastasia MD or politician or aid worker catching malaria or dysentery like it's a badge of honor ain't me. I would love to revolutionize education but my mom and everyone else in my family who work in inner city schools trying to ensure that no child truly gets left behind have that covered. I would love to revolutionize the lives of women across the globe, since many of us at home and abroad are still treated like second class citizens although every man had the luxury of being born through one of us. I want to revolutionize how we eat, but I kinda eat fast food more than I'd care to admit so I need to start revolutionizing my plate first. Actually, the only thing I really have the competencies and motivation to revolutionize right now is my life. You know the saying "healer heal thyself?" Well that's where I'm at. I know that my life is going to have a HUGE (Julia Robert's in Pretty Woman yelling at the shop girls who treated her like a poor hooker voice) impact on this tiny speck of rock floating in the cosmos that we call Earth, I just know that it won't happen until I heal me first. I mean how insane would it be for me to go around revolutionizing the world and I don't even have a semblance of having my shit together? I barley have my closet sorted let alone my career, relationships, spirituality, diet and all that other stuff straight. Not that I think that I have to have it all figured at once, Rome wasn't built in a day nor did it fall overnight, but I think getting closer to a general idea of things is necessary.
So the only thing I can/want to revolutionize right now, February 28,2012 at 3:10 pm Eastern tim, is me and bringing my life, my life, my life, my life into the sunshine.
I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track baby I was born this way. Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set.
The week may be pretty much over but since I've spent the past few days on an extended job interview in NYC with little to no time to blog, I'm answering this week's question today. Honestly, the experiences I had this week were absolutely necessary to me answering this question in a truthful, honest manner proving once again that I have no idea what's best but someone else does. So here's my answer to this week's Burning Question, What's one dumb thing that you used to believe in? (Be warned, this may get long.)
Growing up all kids have superheros that they look up to and secretly wish would swoop down and save them from having to do their chores. They learn that when things get tough it takes super human strength to stop a speeding train from derailing, to rescue an old lady from a burning building or to save the world from an evil genius. As they grow up their heros become a little less kryptonite resistant and a little more real. They learn that Superman, like Santa and the Easter Bunny, is just a story and that the real heros are the people who stand up for what they believe in and go against what is popular to do what is right. Their heros go from She-Ra, Batman (my fave superhero because his super power is being super rich), Wonder Woman and the like to Martin Luther King Jr, Ghandi, Barack Obama and perhaps their parents. While it's great to look up to people and have archetypes to relate to, our society's hero worship has one major flaw--perhaps more than one but I only care about one--and it is that salvation comes from someone outside of you.
Batman has a bank account and a butler with nary a superpower.
I've believed most of my life, and kinda still do a little bit, that someone else has to save me. Whether that meant Jesus, Batman, Han Solo, a hot guy in a black Audi, my mom, my dad or Oprah, I have always believed that I was a frail, damsel in distress that needs someone stronger to make everything ok. I don't, and neither do you. While it took years for my mind to accept that my salvation was totally relient on the kindness of strangers, it only took a few short flights for me to recognize my problem and a few even shorter minutes for me to allow the solution to be revealed.
I hate flying, probably because I don't fly too much. When I say I hate flying, I mean I break into a sweat when the plane hits a bump and have had panic attacks on three flights in three years. My wonderful ex boyfriend used to hold my hand and soothe me on flights, giving me the confidence and support I needed to not freak out everyone on the plane. This past week flying without my training wheels had me a little antsy, and when I say a little I mean doing rounds of EFT in the airport to clear my fear of every part of flying. I found myself reaching out to hold the hands of strangers and calling for a flight attendant when things felt less than safe. I eventually landed at Newark with a new friend, happy to be on solid ground, and still oblivious to the fact that I am unable to self soothe and constantly seeking salvation on the outside instead of on the inside. It wasn't until my return flight when some guy who was trying to pick me up no doubt--FYI I am not the kind of girl that meets men on planes especially when the live in a different part of the country and have a touch of the chauvinist in them--sat next to me after out flight into Baltimore explaining how he wanted to have 4-5 kids. Not only was that insane, I've known you for all of an hour and you're telling me about kids, but it was a huge wake up call. Had I not been seeking someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be all right, I woud not have ended up on a "date" at the airport with a man who clearly believed that a woman was only good for making babies! (Wrong country, wrong decade.) Now I didn't have this revelation in the Baltimore/DC airport, I actually had it on my second flight while alternating between bothering the woman sitting next to me, reading A Course in Miracles and meditating. Between all of that, and praying that the plane wouldn't crash, a ton of bricks fell into my lap and said "You think you need someone else to save you from everything, loneliness, fear, this plane crashing, deciding on what to do on a Saturday night. What you don't know is you have to save you." I instantly relaxed in my seat, stopped bothering my people around me and finished reading my book. While the plane shook here and there I remembered that I do not need anyone to save me, even the pilot although I do need him to fly the plane because that is outside of my area of expertise.
Buffy Summers is still my hero.
Is my fear of flying completely done, I won't know that until I get on my next flight but I do know that my addiction to finding salvation outside of me is done. I am not some princess in tower waiting on a prince to rescue me from the clutches of a wicked witch, or some old maid waiting on a man to save me from the misery of being single. I got this! More importantly, when I feel like I don't I know that there is a higher power inside of me who has this.
