From Worrier to Warrior

Every major "Aha!" moment that I have ever had has come to me through some form of pop culture, books, mags, reality TV, songs, catch phrases, you name it. That may mean I'm shallow and lazy like most Americans or that I manage to find depth in the most shallow of places...and that I'm lazy--there's no arguing that. I would much rather get my veggies in a juice and my enlightenment via YouTube than eating pounds of veggies a day and fasting and praying in the desert for 40 days and nights. I imagine if any one of the ascended masters were to read this they would agree.

As I sat on my couch doing my post-yoga TV catch up on New Girl and The Minday Project, an AHA fell right out of Mindy Kaling's mouth and into my head. Mindy was taking a ton of shit from Danny because she asked him to be her ob-gyn and he didn't want to do it ending with him pulling the ultimate low blow when talking to a single gal over age 30, ticking away her child bearing years. (You have to watch it.) Mindy goes to her office, throwing herself on the floor and seeking consolation in her bestie when the janitor bursts in to lend an ear and some advice. Most of his advice was horrible bu then he spit out this golden nugget, "give yourself a warrior name and let the person picking on you pick on the warrior and not you." It doesn't sound all that great but after Minday went back into the exam room and faced Danny as Beyonce Pad Thai it was on and she of course kicked ass. 

The "calling on a warrior" thing works because all of us at some point or another feel weak and vulnerable, whether we're facing a bully or going to an event solo--I hate going to events on my own. It's part of being in a body, you feel frail, weak and easily hurt both emotionally and physically. Why else would we have so many super heros and saviors in our culture? The only person that can save you from your fears is you, not the scared little kid you afraid of being ridiculous but the bad-ass, higher you that is fully in yourself and tapped into the higher wisdom that says "Bitch, I'm fabulous and if you don't agree I'm walking away." It's like the Sasha Fierce to your Beyonce.

Thursday night when faced with going solo to an event where I would know at least 3 of the people present, I decided to try this "calling on a warrior" thing. I looked in the mirror and named my warrior BeyB Bradshaw. (Bey- Beyonce B-the Bride aka Beatrix aka Uma Thruman in Kill Bill and Bardshaw like Carrie because all three of these women look amazing, wield awesome bitch face and would have no problem walking into a room full of strangers and their exes.) Not only did I name my warrior but I decided how she would dress--like me when I put forth effort--what kind of music she would get ready to--M.I.A. and Jay Z--and put her on like a goddess armor security blanket and walked out the door. It didn't cure my every anxiety but I was able to relax enough that I could get out of the car, mix, mingle and enjoy myself with worrying about what anyone thought of me. 

Now if only I could use BeyB Bradshaw to help me navigate those awkward moments when someone asks how my boyfriend is doing.

Chill Out

All work and no monkey business

"Anastasia, we need to talk." As my breath quickened and my entire body tensed, I tried my damnedest to not let my internal breakdown crack my cool visage. While I waited for the other party involved in this conversation to return from the restroom I couldn't help but think that we need to put a moratorium on that phrase, "we need to talk." I mean, never in the history of mankind has that phrase been uttered with something positive hung on the other side of it. People never say, "We need to talk, you are awesome let's get married" or "We need to talk. You are awesome here's a raise." It's always "We need to talk. You haven't done anything wrong, things just aren't working out...you're fired/I'm breaking up with you."

So when my boss of three months uttered those damning words and followed them up with "You haven't done anything wrong..." my eye stayed trained on his but my mind when for a quick spin on the fear merry-go-round. I knew that despite my best efforts my performance had not been exactly extraordinary and that a large portion of the company's future was hitched to the success of my region. I also had a sneaking suspicion that the company owners would not fly down for a long weekend just to help me set appointments to make my bonus. The minute those words were put on the table my mind quickly added 1+1 and came to the conclusion that I was being fired. All I could think was, "How much of a loser am I? I'm being fired form the only full time, salaried job I've had in my field." Then immediately I thought, "How the hell am I going to pay my car note and rent now?" The next thought--again all of these thoughts are taking place in the time it takes for one guy to go to and return from the restroom--was "So what if they fire you, you'll find another job." My breathing immediately relaxed followed by every muscle in my body, because I knew that this thought unlike the other was true. I'd put in my two weeks at one job and walked right into another, and was hooked up with this job by a friend not long after being laid off. I also never went hungry and none of my bills ever went unpaid thanks to my hustle mentality, unemployment and my daddy.  In that moment, I knew that no matter what was said and done, I would be all good because something bigger than I am had always had my back. I took a deep breath and looked my boss in the eye, ready for the worst. 

It didn't come. Instead, I was given the answer to a prayer I'd sent out the night before. After struggling with how exactly I was going to go back to school later this year and manage a job where I was supposed to be home 2-4 days out of the month, I'd decided to give up on my job and look for a new one. But on Monday morning, after reminding myself that things usually work out for the best whether I know it or not, my bosses told me they were putting me in the showroom and hiring a more experienced salesperson to work the territory. Whew! Not only was I not being fired but everything was working out the way I needed it to. I would be home more often, able to focus on my writing and going back to school to hone my skills, and I wouldn't have to worry about money since my pay would stay the same. 

Would this situation have worked out had I not taken the time to refocus my thoughts and let the chill in? Of course, but instead of hearing that they are hiring someone more experienced that I can learn from and share the workload with, I would have heard that they hired someone and my job was being threatened. Same story, different perception. In the end, what you perceive in a situation holds more importance than what is actually happening. 

Quoted

The noblest art is  that of making others happy. 

- P.T. Barnum 

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Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, and I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you who have een there with me through triumphs, tears, laughs, meltdowns, break throughs, wine bottles and more. You all have been the light in my darkest hours and the canned laughter to my corny jokes. Love each and every one of you.


 

Quoted...

If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?

-Rumi 

 

And A Door Swung Open

Last month, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germonatta sat down with Oprah to discuss the past 26 years otherwise known as her life. In this chat, which aired on Oprah's Next Chapter which is nothing like the Oprah Winfrey Show (eye roll), Gaga got down and dirty with O about her creative process. She described getting in touch with her muse as a cold, lonely process where she goes into a cocoon, cutting herself off from all media, people, plants and animals until a door opens. Naturally, being the me that I am, I immediately called bullshit on this. Once again Gaga has proven to be a strange amalgam of Madonna and Holly Golightly, a pop culture phenomenon who really believes all this phony junk she claims to believe in. Honestly I would still be calling bullshit on it had a door not opened for me last night.

She's a real phony...

After another day at work calling shop owner after shop owner while fighting with a terrible sinus headache and running all over town, I was beyond exhausted when I finally got home. On top of being tired I was also terribly lonely, a feeling that has been creeping up on me all month with the hotel hopping, working with people who don't get me at all--that's a whole 'nother story--and spending 99.9% of my day alone at work and alone at home. As I burdened my family and friends with the third break down of the week, I began to feel like I was standing in a hallway with a big black "censored" bar over my face, unable to move or move it. So I got off the phone, took a shower and a nap. Somewhere in there I began to think about what it is that I want in life and realized that until then what I wanted out of life was what other people wanted for me. In other words, I had no idea what I wanted.

Why Zoe? Why not? I just threw it in. 

Pre-relationship, I knew I wanted to be some kind of Carrie Bradshaw like fashion writer killing shit at Vogue for my 9-5. (More like if Carrie Bradshaw worked at Missbehave and was more like Sarah Morrison with Carrie Bradshaw's never ending stream of disposable income minus the "I'm crazy bc I'm over 35 and unmarried" thirst.) As a street wear/fashion/random shiz blogger back in 2008, I knew I was on my way. I'd made connections in NYC with fashion type people and my blog was just about to blow up. Then I met a guy who I fell in love with and while I totally loved him and he loved me for exactly who I was, I always felt ten steps behind him. This insecurity made me constantly feel as though I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and for damn sure successful enough to be with him. I stood next to him at parties with PhD virologists who worked on the forefront of preventing the next AIDS epidemic and felt so small when I had to tell them that I worked at the mall. I have to say that all of this was in my head, the person I was dating in no way even insinuated that I was anything less than wonderful actually he encouraged me to stop playing so small when we were out.




Now I know you're all like, "What does you feeling insecure have to do with Gaga and a door?' Everything. You see last night I remembered that while my relationship was filled with many beautiful moments and experiences that I will always cherish, I also felt caged in some way. Like I was trying so hard to be the kind of person that someone else wanted me to be. Again, this person only wanted me to be the best me and not sell myself short and for that I thank him, but I have to figure out who the best me is and want to be her. And for the record, the best me does not write like Molly Lambert--mainly because I'm Anastasia and she's Molly Lambert, I also don't write like F Scott Fitzgerald--and wears ghetto gold with her chambray tops. The best me is obsessed with fashion a means of capturing the zeitgeist of a generation not as something to simply wear. The best me is an amazing story teller because she has an imagination that runs wild. The best me writer because she feels most like herself when she does. Above all, the best me is constantly changing, growing and evolving.

I got picture happy.

As I thought these things out and stopped looking on the past 3 years with rose colored glasses, I felt the blocked, fragmented feeling that had settled in my soul a few weeks ago shatter. I felt the black box in front of my face dissolve, then finally I felt a door swing open. Then I walked right through that beeyatch into a hallway of infinite possibility. Don't believe me? Ask the "coincidences" that followed me all day today, the free danish and hot tea from a guy who didn't haggle me for his number, the 3 appointments I set in an hour after struggling since last Tuesday and the amazing feeling that has settled over me despite the fact that my allergies are tying to do me in. Now that the door has swung open, there is no part of me that would choose to go back...not that I could if I wanted to.

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After being out of town for about a week I am soo feeling this.

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Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone

Quoted...

You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. 

-C.S. Lewis 

Lessons Learned From....Josephine Baker

Freda Josephine McDonald, aka Josephine Baker, was my kind of woman. She was fierce, talented, passionate, generous and behind that coy smile and Eton crop was one bad mamajama who did what she liked when she liked. She adopted her own "Rainbow Tribe" long before African babies were the new black and when her own country would not treat her with the respect and dignity she deserved she split! Here are a few lessons we can learn from the woman who put the Art in des Arts Decoratifs (Art Deco).

1. A banana hammock is a sin but a banana skirt is couture!

2. Being a cat lady isn't all that bad when your cat is a cheetah.

3. If you don't like the hand you're dealt get a new one...Josephine wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth but with hard work, dedication and a lotta bit of gumption she went from a street shild dancing on the corner to the "highest paid chorus girl in vaudeville" to the most successful American (notice I said American not African-American)  entertainer working in France.

4. Stand for something. Josephine was more than a nice set of legs and a pretty face, she worked with the French underground during World War II earning the Croix de Guerre, the Rosette de la Resistance and was made Chevalier of the Legion d'honneur by Charles de Gaulle. She also a HUGE supporter of the Civil Rights movement although she stayed in France where her marriage to a white Frenchman was not illegal--look up anti-miscegenation laws, interracial marriages were the first marriage equality fights--and she cared for her Rainbow Tribe consisting of 12 multi-racial orphans. Oh and JB refused to play to segregated audiences in the US.

5. "The things we truly love stay with us always. Locked in our hearts as long as life remains"

Quoted...

I don't claim to know much, except as soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love, love, love, love. 

- Sara Barielles "Bottle It Up" 

Stop Telling That Story

Close but not the exact scene..it'll do.

About 4 years ago I picked up one of my favorite quotes ever from little film called The Women, 2008 not the one with Joan Crawford. In it, Meg Ryan's character goes to Saks for a manicure where a chatty nail tech unknowingly gives Meg the goods on her cheating husband. Just as the chatty nail girl, played by Debie Mazar, realizes she is putting her foot squarely in her mouth Meg Ryan drops this line "please stop telling that story." (or something to that effect) While I drop this line at least once a week, today it has a special meaning because not only has this message come up several times today but I have realized that no matter how much I tell it to others, I need to start talking to the woman in the mirror.

You see we all have stories that we tell ourselves over and over that do not serve us. The stories range from "My grandmother got a divorce, my mom got a divorce, I'm going to be divorced" and "I have to have a certain job to be an adult" to "Money is the root of all evil." No matter what sob story you tell yourself and everyone else, I guarantee that it is not helping you in any way. Those Color Purple--as my mom calls them--stories do nothing but ensure that you constantly stay in a woe-is-me state, since we all know the thoughts you repeat become your beliefs and eventually create your reality. So by telling yourself that "Money is the root of all evil" ensures that you will never have any money unless you want to be evil. Not only does repeating those stories that do not serve you drag you down but tehy also drag down everyone you tell them to.

Don't be that girl...not cute.

Everyone knows a Debbie Downer, no matter how awesome your day is she manages to piss all over it with one story. Now imagine that your co-workers are chilling by the water cooler talking about life and such then you walk in and start telling them about how horrible your last date was and launch into your story "All men are losers and I'll never find a good one." If I were your co-worker I'd walk away and never talk to you again, unless it was absolutely necessary. For the record, not only does repeating your story drill it in to every cell in your body but it also makes people want to avoid you like the plague.  No one wants to hear those sad stories and the people that are tasked with listening--your friends and family--aren't buying that poison you're spitting.

Like I said from the beginning, I know all too well about the need to stop telling that story like a broken record. The things I tell myself are off the charts, Britney Spears when she shaved her head crazy but I have told myself those stories for so long that it is taking therapy, self-help books, life coaching and meditation. Brick by brick I have been outting the stories I need to stop telling and guess what? The minute I become aware of one story another one bubbles up, letting me know that I'll be telling myself stories for the rest of my life hopefully they'll get better.


So in the effort of being transparent, here are the stories I need to stop telling:

"Carrie Bradshaw had to have been a hooker because writers don't make that much money" Truthfully, Carrie Bradshaw is a fictional character so her life has to be over the top so we buy into it enough to buy the movie, the DVDs and the books. TV is not real life nor is it an accurate mirror of real life, even the "reality" shows and that HBO's updated hipster version of Sex and the City, Girls, are far from real. That said, it is reasonable to think that an established columnist in her mid-30s could be making an adequate living off of her work. As an aspiring best selling author who writes a ton online and is tackling print one article at a time, it is counterproductive for me to repeat that you can't make money as a writer especially when I know at least one real life freelance who does. (FYI she is at least 10-15 years older than I am with an extra 10-15 years experience on me so I shouldn't be making her money...yet.)

"I'm weird so it's hard for me to find a guy" To be fair I am pretty "different," however the main reason people see me as "different" is because I do not entirely fit the singular story that has been told about African American women. Is it my fault that only one story has been told about black women in America throughout history? No. Is it my fault that people believe that one story? No. Is it my fault that people see me and immediately try to cram me into that one story? No, but it is my fault that I allow their issue with who I should be make me feel inadequate. Growing up I was teased because Jagged Little Pill was my favorite album and California English was my preferred method of speaking-- hello I grew up in the 90s on a strict media diet of MTV, Seventeen and Clueless and like everyone else in my generation I added like to every pause and made every statement a question. Again, not my problem until I made my problem.

"I need new clothes every season." Actually that's not a story I tell myself that's just life, you need new clothes, especially when you work in fashion.

"Money is a struggle. If you don't work hard you'll never make bank." This isn't a story I told myself, it's a story I saw growing up. My dad constantly spoke of sacrificing time at home so that we could have a certain standard of living and my mom constantly fought an uphill battle with finances, so I learned that money was something you had to bust your ass to get....NOT TRUE. Yes you have to work but earning a living does not have to be a thing of sacrifice, toil, struggle, working three jobs just to get by. That is not necessary, trust me I know people who work hard, enjoy their life and make what they need and then some...and their parents aren't filthy rich.

Those are all the stories I could think of now, but if I think of any more I'll share for sure. More importantly, I want to know what BS, I had to walk 10 miles in the pouring rain, sob story are you telling?

Drop your story like it's hot!

Daily Dance Break with Destiny's Child

This was soooo my jam in high school. Makes me think of cheerleading, talent shows, hanging with B and Dawson's Creek.

Me Too...

Do you remember when you thought you could do or be anything? Yeah, me neither. It's time to remember what it feels like to believe that there is no limit to your life or love.

Chew On This

The kid is on to something, trust me.

This Week's "Burning" Question

This week's Burning Question is quite literally a burning question. Inspired by a story told to her about traveling Irish folk, for some reason this made me think of Johnny Depp in Chocolat, who burn their boats upon reaching their destination Danielle has asked her readers what boats would they burn, figuratively of course. (It's literally a burning question not because the question is on fire but because the question is about burning however, it's about burning figuratively...that just made me smile.) Word/grammer nerd minute over, here's my answer.

I'm not really a bridge, or boat for today's purposes, burning type. I see value in sometimes being able to go back where you've been in an effort to reset and carry on in a different direction is exactly where you need, kinda like the saying you can always go home. However, I don't think that's what Danielle is trying to get at via her question. I think what's she's after, correct me if I'm wrong, is the boat filled with lessons that we don't want or need to repeat. The boat that is weighed down with internships, shitty bosses, past relationships that didn't serve you, basically the boat that is carrying a full set of monogramed Louis Vuitton luggage with all of your life lessons in it. While I'd be happy to get rid of the mistakes it took for me to learn the lessons, I don't want to burn the lesson or the boat that carried me to where I am unless I'll be able to build/buy another boat when needed. All of this is generally speaking of course. In particular, I would love to throw a container full of lighter fluid and a match on the boat that brought me to where I am in my career, which is unemployed. The boat that carried me here is full of disappointment, feeling less than worthy of a job outside of retail, rejection, low self esteem and a fear of never accomplishing anything on this go round. I could totally stand to lose those feelings and my ties to working as a sales girl ever in life.  I do want to keep every positive experience I've gained in the past few years but the rest of it could totally go up in flames, and that's the point. Burning the extra crap allows me to swim the last few miles to shore with complete confidence that I am ready for whatever is next because I took the time to learn the hard lessons along the way.

Quoted...Dr Seuss

In honor of the man whose books helped so many of us master the art of reading, here are a few of my fave Dr. Suess quotes.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

 Don't give up! I believe in you all. A person's a person no matter how small.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn the mor places you will go.

Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.) 

 

 

 

Happy Leap Day!!

In honor of the one day that comes every four years--happy birthday to everyone who is born on February 29--I have decided that everyone should take one huge leap forward today. A huge leap could be changing career paths, telling someone who have a crush on that you love them or finally forgiving the one person you never thought you'd ever forgive. It could also be as easy as having a cupcake without guilt or talking to a stranger on the train. The thing is, I have no idea what your leap should be but you do. Just think about the one thing you always wanted to do but never had the courage or strength to do and there you go. My huge leap is starting a 40 Day Fear Cleanse to take the time to confront my fear of not being in control. This fear keeps me from fully trusting others and creates negativity in all of my relationships, my career and pretty much every aspect of my life. It used to manifest itself in restrictive eating patterns--aka an easting disorder--and panic attacks, now it shows up on flights, job interviews and even in dealing with my ex-boyfriend. Since I am sick and tired of living in fear, I've decided to stop that -ish and clear the fear in my life. I'll keep you all updated on how the fear clearing is going if you promise me to keep you posted on what your big leap moment is. Even if you don't, I still will.

Somebody Save Me

She-Ra 

The week may be pretty much over but since I've spent the past few days on an extended job interview in NYC with little to no time to blog, I'm answering this week's question today. Honestly, the experiences I had this week were absolutely necessary to me answering this question in a truthful, honest manner proving once again that I have no idea what's best but someone else does. So here's my answer to this week's Burning Question, What's one dumb thing that you used to believe in? (Be warned, this may get long.)

Growing up all kids have superheros that they look up to and secretly wish would swoop down and save them from having to do their chores. They learn that when things get tough it takes super human strength to stop a speeding train from derailing, to rescue an old lady from a burning building or to save the world from an evil genius. As they grow up their heros become a little less kryptonite resistant and a little more real. They learn that Superman, like Santa and the Easter Bunny, is just a story and that the real heros are the people who stand up for what they believe in and go against what is popular to do what is right. Their heros go from She-Ra, Batman (my fave superhero because his super power is being super rich), Wonder Woman and the like to Martin Luther King Jr, Ghandi, Barack Obama and perhaps their parents. While it's great to look up to people and have archetypes to relate to, our society's hero worship has one major flaw--perhaps more than one but I only care about one--and it is that salvation comes from someone outside of you.

 Batman has a bank account and a butler with nary a superpower.

I've believed most of my life, and kinda still do a little bit, that someone else has to save me. Whether that meant Jesus, Batman, Han Solo, a hot guy in a black Audi, my mom, my dad or Oprah, I have always believed that I was a frail, damsel in distress that needs someone stronger to make everything ok. I don't, and neither do you. While it took years for my mind to accept that my salvation was totally relient on the kindness of strangers, it only took a few short flights for me to recognize my problem and a few even shorter minutes for me to allow the solution to be revealed.

I hate flying, probably because I don't fly too much. When I say I hate flying, I mean I break into a sweat when the plane hits a bump and have had panic attacks on three flights in three years. My wonderful ex boyfriend used to hold my hand and soothe me on flights, giving me the confidence and support I needed to not freak out everyone on the plane. This past week flying without my training wheels had me a little antsy, and when I say a little I mean doing rounds of EFT in the airport to clear my fear of every part of flying. I found myself reaching out to hold the hands of strangers and calling for a flight attendant when things felt less than safe. I eventually landed at Newark with a new friend, happy to be on solid ground, and still oblivious to the fact that I am unable to self soothe and constantly seeking salvation on the outside instead of on the inside. It wasn't until my return flight when some guy who was trying to pick me up no doubt--FYI I am not the kind of girl that meets men on planes especially when the live in a different part of the country and have a touch of the chauvinist in them--sat next to me after out flight into Baltimore explaining how he wanted to have 4-5 kids. Not only was that insane, I've known you for all of an hour and you're telling me about kids, but it was a huge wake up call. Had I not been seeking someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be all right, I woud not have ended up on a "date" at the airport with a man who clearly believed that a woman was only good for making babies! (Wrong country, wrong decade.) Now I didn't have this revelation in the Baltimore/DC airport, I actually had it on my second flight while alternating between bothering the woman sitting next to me, reading A Course in Miracles and meditating. Between all of that, and praying that the plane wouldn't crash, a ton of bricks fell into my lap and said "You think you need someone else to save you from everything, loneliness, fear, this plane crashing, deciding on what to do on a Saturday night. What you don't know is you have to save you." I instantly relaxed in my seat, stopped bothering my people around me and finished reading my book. While the plane shook here and there I remembered that I do not need anyone to save me, even the pilot although I do need him to fly the plane because that is outside of my area of expertise.

Buffy Summers is still my hero.

Is my fear of flying completely done, I won't know that until I get on my next flight but I do know that my addiction to finding salvation outside of me is done. I am not some princess in tower waiting on a prince to rescue me from the clutches of a wicked witch, or some old maid waiting on a man to save me from the misery of being single. I got this! More importantly, when I feel like I don't I know that there is a higher power inside of me who has this.

Happy LOVE Day Ya'll

In the grand tradition of today's holiday I had to share this little gem by The Beatles. No matter what you do or don't get remember, love truly is all you need.