Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand blah blah blah

Creation always begins in darkness. Whether you are reading the Bible, the Rig Veda, the Popol Vuh or pretty much any religious or mythological text, they start with an all encompassing abyss. So too does our creation, unless your mother had a tap light in her womb. But aside from the moment when we went from a drunken night between two relatively responsible adults to a fetus, the moments that make us usually begin in darkness as well.

A year ago on this very day I was a nervous wreck that couldn't eat, sleep or move without falling to pieces in anticipation of the inevitable. I knew that my relationship, which up to that point was perfect in my mind, had done a complete 180 overnight and no amount of pleading, crying or talking could change that. I knew in my soul that my love could fix what was being held together with tape--me, him and us. I knew we were stronger than whatever had come between us. I was wrong. But then again, I was right.

This is not my ex...I don't remember this guy's name and this was from two weeks ago.

My relationship was not perfect, I spent as much time happy and in love as I did feeling clenched, unworthy and miserable. I wasn't in love with a person, I was in love with the way he validated my existence, boosted my self-esteem, made every other girl--and my shitty ex's--green with envy, and everything that made me feel better about me because of who he was. The ambition, drive, affluence, and success that drew me to him like a moth to a flame eventually made me feel small standing next to him. It wasn't all "I love you because of the way you make me fel about me", I still love and am inspired by who he is as a person--flawed, funny, and a shit talker--but I was wrapped up in finally finding my Big not how we worked or didn't work together. If you don't see the cracks in the foundation from day one, you end up buying a house that eventually sinks and I saw the cracks, and ignored them just to have my dream guy. Love cannot save a sinking ship. Ask Jack Dawson.

Guess no one told Jack to secure his life vest before attempting to help others. 

While all the love I had for him and us couldn't save anything, the love I had for myself eventually won out. There were days when I literally could not get out of bed and wanted to kill myself, obvs I did and did not. Then throw in losing your job on top of going through the most difficult breakup of your life and you get me circa January. In that vacuum, no job, no man, no money, I began to feel more free than I had in years. (It's funny what hanging at home and collecting an unemployment check can do for you.) For months I devoured self help books, checked into therapy--long over due, did a 4 week group coaching course, started doing volunteer work and a fuck ton of other shit. My life was a nothing like he life I'd spent the past 3 years building, one that would have ended with me and my ex as a strange hybrid of the Obamas, the Clintons--not really but really--the Gates, Bey and Jay, and basically almost any bad ass, smart, talented, revolutionary couple ever to have a documentary made on them. There were few martini circuit events to attend, no tiki Tuesdays and my calendar looked more like that of a yogi/new age/ hippy than a bad ass fashion blogger/writer. I'd gone from Carrie Bradshaw to Lisa Bonet over night and I wasn't mad at it.

Lisa aka Lilakoi Moon & her daughter Zoe make one bad majama mother-daughter duo.

In between all the manifesting, meditating, cleaning, and starting this blog, I landed a job that I wasn't even looking for--that my psychic connection predicted months before--and my life changed back to what I always wanted it to be. I am way closer to financially independent than I ever have been, I have a pretty decent job that is not a major life drainer, I can afford to shop at Whole Foods, I have successfully married my Carrie side with my Lisa Bonet and Beyonce sides--it looks and feels as amazing as it sounds--and I have reconnected with friends that I abandoned when I started my relationship in 2009. My life could only be more phenomenal if I were engaged to Alexander Skarsgard....dreaming is good for the soul.

He is really, really ridiculously good looking.

The point is, everything begins in darkness but it does not stay that way. I mean first there was darkness and then God was all like "let there be light" and darkness peaced out. Everything changes, all the time. Change is the one constant in life. If I have moved form wannabe socialite, shop girl balled up on the floor crying herself to sleep because the one thing that made her worthwhile was someone else to a badass creatrix ready to run shit in 2013 in only 365 day--was it leap year this year? Imagine where I can be in another 365 days, or rather where you can be.

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Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, and I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you who have een there with me through triumphs, tears, laughs, meltdowns, break throughs, wine bottles and more. You all have been the light in my darkest hours and the canned laughter to my corny jokes. Love each and every one of you.


 

More Blog Love!

I have to send a HUGE thank you and a lot of love to Sharode of Love & Lumiere, for showing me love by nominating my little blog for both the "Very Inspiring Blogger" and "One Lovely Blog" awards. I am honored and humbled that she finds my blog both lovely and inspiring and I raise a glass of Pinot Grigio in her general direction. Since I was bestowed with this super sweet honor I have to follow the rules and:

• thank the person who nominated me and link back to them in my post (check)
• share 7 things about myself
• nominate 15 bloggers that I admire (I got lazy and stopped at 10, it's about quality not quantity with me which is why I'd rather buy 2 pairs of designer shoes than 5 pairs from Nine West)
• leave a comment on their blogs to let them in on the great news

Since I have am both a narcissist and an exhibitionist, aren't all writers, here are 7 things all about moi. 

1. I like chocolate and I like cake but I'm not super keen on chocolate cake, and chocolate ice cream...fuggedabouit.
2. I have a scar above my navel where I got my bellybutton pierced at 19. 
3. Meditation is my medication...along with a great glass of wine.
4. I bring my yoga mat with me on work trips and do more yoga in hotels than in studios.
5. I've been addicted to vampires since before I needed a training bra thanks to watching Fright Night with my dad as a tot. (BTW I'm Team Eric all the way)
6. I may work in fashion but I never wear heels, or make up. 
7. My friendships are more valuable to me than anything I own, including Phineas who I rescued from a junk yard after totaling my car because I promised him that the second I upgraded from the Mirage he would come with me. 

Without further ado, here are the blogs I love that you should love too:

Single Bubble Pop

The Chic Chronicles

Inner Ambiance

It's Archel

Ashlee Nicole Spills

Fashionado

Nourish Thyself

Sheer Spirit

Kiss Life

Love, Danniel

Lessons Learned From...Charlotte York-Goldenblatt

She may be naive and old fashioned but this Kappa Kappa Gamma was fiercely loyal to her friends, knew how to tastefully decorate a penthouse and never was caught dead in a bland twin set--well maybe in the first season when the budget was $0. It also doesn't hurt that I've finally embraced my inner Charlotte. Without any more chatter from the peanut gallery, here are the 5 things I've learned from Mrs York-Goldenblatt aka the former Mrs. Agent Dale Cooper.

1. Never marry a man who says "okie dokie" no matter how perfect he is, how great his family's house is or how sick he looks playing tennis in his boxers. Okie dokie men are probably only okie dokie.

2. Mr Right may not look the way you want him to or have the right pedigree,  as long as he makes you feel like the shiksa goddess that you are. Let's not forget she gave up Jesus for Harry. Jesus.

3. Be a lady in the street...Charlotte was no Samantha, but she did hang out with her. Enough said.

4. Relax, relate, release. After pulling all kinds of tricks to get married and have a baby, Charlotte met her man while she was going through her divorce and had her baby after adopting. In other words, the minute she let her guard down and chilled out, she got everything she spent 6 seasons stressing over.

5. Never, ever stop believing in love.

Stop the Shhhh!!!

I was walking from Madewell to Bloomingdale's on my Spring living spree, bags in hand, when my phone vibrated to let me know I had a new email. I was expecting some kind of spam from one of the many mailing lists that my email address has found itself on or something work related, however it was an email from a friend of an acquaintance saying that she had passed in the night. (She being the acquaintance not her friend.) Before I go a character further, I have to say that I didn't know this person very well, only through facebook, herfture and email. Despite not knowing her in real, real life, her death shook me enough that it made me question the way in which I live my life. I mean, she was 31, had been living with cancer for years and despite that was still the shining light in my inbox every week.

I'm not going to dwell on the life of someone who touched my life without knowing much about it, but I have to say the death of a person in your age group always makes you rethink your life. It forces you to face you own mortality in a way that seeing an older person die never could. It drives home the message that life is short since it indeed could be over much more quickly than you think, causing you to rethink the way you've handled or not handled things. Having a friend or colleague who is merely a few years older than you live her life fully while dying, while you are stressing over the dumbstuff, makes you remember that life is a gift. I'm trying not to sound too shallow but it often takes the death of someone to make you realize how good you have it. I mean just yesterday I was bitching about the fact that I'm single instead of celebrating my new job and car. I was also debating on wether or not I should get real with my ex about us. Now all of that drama seems both small and huge at the same time. Small because it's petty stuff. My life is stinking awesome the end. However on the other hand my drama just got ocean size.

When you die the things you regret are the relationships you effed up, the people you took for granted, the time you spent working instead of living and a whole host of stuff that has nothing to do with how much money you earned, how many shoes you owned or how successful you were. People say it all the time but it's true, you dan't take it with you. The only thing you'll have on your death bed is family, friends and your memories--and perhaps a blanket. You have your love and that's all, and if you're me you have a heart full of love deeper than the ocean--Titanic reference--that is reserved for one person who either does not care or does nto believe me when I say that I love him not the job or the money or the outside shizz but the person who makes me feel like being me is the easiest thing in the world. (Trust me being me is not easy, being a puppy is easy being me is strange.)

You know, death makes you remember how fragile and temporary our bodies are. Once they're gone they're gone and you move on to wherever you came from. But in the meantime, while you have a body, tell the people that you love how much you love them, forgive the people that have wronged you, enjoy the time you have to do nothing, seek balance and have ice cream....real full fat ice cream that is rich and creamy and makes you want to jump on a treadmill after eating it. You only taste for as long as you have taste-buds so don't waste your sense of taste, or hearing, sight or smell for that matter.

*I'm not going to get all weepy and sappy but I am going to say that Shanna Sandmoen was an amazing woman and her weekly emails and blog posts will be missed. 

Happy LOVE Day Ya'll

In the grand tradition of today's holiday I had to share this little gem by The Beatles. No matter what you do or don't get remember, love truly is all you need.

21 Days To A Less Bitchy You!

If gossip were a sport Perez would win the gold medal!

Like I said before I'm a card carrying gossip girl, I got the card from the same guy who hands out and revokes race & gender cards he's really sketchy and sells fake Fendi bags out of his trunk. In an effort to be less catty/bitchy/hating/gossippy/insert word that means talking shit about other people just because I can, I'm taking up a challenge issued by my favorite ego warrior pal Rosi and will not let a negative word cross my lips for the next 21 days. That means no starting statements off with "I'm not being judgmental at all when I say this, just so you know..." or "I'm not trying to be any kind of way or anything but.." or better still "Maybe I shouldn't say this..." If I have to tell people I'm not being judgmental I'm probably being judgmental  and some kind of way, and for goodness sakes if the thought not to say something crosses my mind I should close my mouth and stop while I'm ahead. Since I know that I can't go around saying "I love you darling. It is all good. You are sweet as pie and ice cream" while my mind is going "What a C U Next Tuesday!" I'll also be cleaning up my 15 year old girl thought patterns as well. So for the next 21 days if I can't say or think anything nice I'll think something loving and move on!

I'll keep you all updated on how this goes. In the past 5-10 years I've amassed a ground of friends all based around the idea that if you don't have anything nice to say come and sit with us so this is going to take a LOT of work, but if I can run around Manhattan during fashion week in September in heels without breaking an ankle or my neck, this is a cake walk. 

Lessons Learned From...Kim Kardashian

1. Tight dresses are a curvy girl's best friend.
2. Family means everything, especially when you have several business and TV shows together.
3. You may not be able to get rid of your ass but maintaining a career being famous for being famous requires you to work your butt off.
4. Louboutins can add almost a full foot to your height.
5. Jumping from one romantic relationship to another does not guarantee that you will find "the one". Actually, it only guarantees that you will go from one relationship to the next until you stop looking for love outside of you and realize that love and completeness comes from within.