Lessons Learned from....To Wong Foo

Yesterday I woke up in what I imagined to be a cold sweat, panicked and frightened as all hell because in a few short days I will be one step closer to 30 with nary a husband or child to show for it. Yes children, I woke up bright and early on Monday morning in the midst of a major "OH SHIT! I"M ALMOST 30 AND STILL SINGLE" freak out. While my most dependable ladies did their best to get me out of my "I'm going to check into the Ritz and check out if I'm still single by 30" mood, this was the kinda funk that needed an epic intervention to lift. Enter Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo dressed in full drag. Not only did my mood lit, wouldn't yours, but I also learned a few valuable lessons along that way that had me belting out "Rumor Has It" on my way home from work. Without further ado, here are the lessons I learned from To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

You are a boy in a dress. Not me, but Noxeema and Vida's protege Chi Chi. Along the way the more experienced queens prove to wee Chi that until she harnesses her inner queen that she is just a sad little boy playing dress up. Or as your mom would say, "It's what's on the inside that counts." Apparently when you're a drag queen, what's on the inside is fearlessness wrapped in pain smothered in camp and tempered with a "been there, done that, here's my unsolicited advice bitch" attitude. LOVES!

Hair, makeup and shopping solve everything. Hello! I got bangs and a tattoo post breakup to shake myself out of a rut, so of course the queens give every woman in the small hick town they are stuck in fierce makeovers to free them from abusive husbands, small-mindedness and Michael Vartan...Don't ever save me from that last one. 

It pays to have a friend who only looks like a girl. You hav no idea what I would give to have a girl friend who is had He-Man like strength when I'm out and some guy just doesn't get that I am not at all into him. 

If you don't love yourself...Of course the Queen of the queens, RuPaul, has a cameo in this one as done his message of loving yourself first. At the end both the ladies and the ladies learn that you have to love and accept you as you are if you want others to do the same. Even poor little rich boy/girl Vida vows to tell her conservative, East Coast fam that she is who she is and they can kiss it her huge pumps if they don't like it. 

If you have legs, use them! At a very statuesque 5'10" Ms Julie Newmar had some seriously amazing legs, and cuves, and boy did she work them in the photo that Vida lifts from the restaurant which serves as the journey's Holy Grail and gives the movie its name. At a statuesque 5'5", like Marilyn Monroe, I have learned the power of working my cuves and building upon what God has blessed me with by slipping into a pair of heels. Sadly, post break up I have forgotten that not only do I always look better in heels but I also have a sick body that I rarely work out or diet for. Time to make like Julie and werk!

Lessons Learned from...Bad Reality TV

I watch an embarrassingly inordinate amount of television. Not only is my TV consumption off the charts but it is also composed of hours spent watching some of the worst stuff on TV. Don't believe me? Ancient Aliens is on in the background as I type. Be that as it is, I have learned a lot from my hours staring at the screen. For example, did you know aliens were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs? Me either but Girogio Tsoukalos said so and it's on TV so must be a least plausible. While I do learn a few things here and there from the "educational" channels, most of my lessons from TV come from reality shows. Yes, those scripted reality based dramas filled with bad acting and women who are setting the feminist movement back decades.  After years of zoning out to housewives, socialites and just girls off the street behaving badly, here are the lessons I've learned from reality tv.

1. "You ain't 'bout that life." Yes Evelyn, you are correct in assuming that I am not about a life that includes throwing wine bottles, demanding clique loyalty, hitting below the belt and chasing jocks. I haven't been 'bout that life since high school and that was 10 years ago this year for me.

2. Anyone can be famous if she's cute enough, lough enough, crass enough or has money and a sex tape backing her. I loved Simple Life but I blame Paris and Nicole for this. *Sidenote: Where are Paris and Nicole now? Paris is laying low living off of Hilton money and Nicole is a mom, wife and fashion designer. In other words they were a mess at 23 and now at 31 they've *gasp* grown up. 


3. Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi, Prada...

4. The worse you behave the more likely it is that you will get a spinoff, book deal or at least get invited to a late night talk show or something.

5. Women are suffering from an extreme case of low self esteem, or better yet a lack of self love. From Kim Kardashian to Joselyn on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, and everyone in between, the ladies of reality TV are in serious need of a hug. Only someone who doesn't love who they are would go on TV and degrade themselves for a dollar. Whether they are looking for love and approval from a man who is cheating on them or at the bottom of a bottle or better yet from the American public, these girls need to look for love and approval in the one place that it lives...themselves.

*Climbs down from soapbox and turns on TV. 

Lessons Learned...On The Road

This pretty much happened to me last week, only I drive an SUV.

Living in this material world means that a girl has to eat and pay the occasional bill, or rather you fork over more than half of your paycheck to the bill collectors that is if you are me. To pay these aforementioned bills and for food, I schlep rags around the Southeast as a regional sales rep for FIVE (thats V) wholesale apparel lines. This may sound glamorous but all it really means is that I drive around the country battling rolling racks, weather and colorful buyers just to make sure your favorite local boutiques stay stocked with your favorite brands. (Oh you thought elves made the clothes and left them under the pillows of sleeping shopkeepers? Yeah so did I until I got a BS in the rag trade.)

While spending two-three weeks at a time away from home living out of hotels has earned me more in three months than a year of working in the mall, I'm exaggerating but not by much, the best thing my j-o-b has done for me is teach me life lessons that must be passed on. So instead of giving you life lessons from fictional characters or celebs, here's a little life advice from little ole moi: 

1. Make like a Boy Scout and always be prepared! Snagged a nail? Spilled coffee all over yourself? Cut your exposed ankle while wearing freshly laundered Keds? Anything that can happen, will happen so always be ready for shit to hit the fan because eventually it will. 

2.  Never underestimate the power of a smile. Whether I'm asking what's edible in the general area that is NOT fast food, in need of a hand to get my rolling rack full of stuff down the street to my car or the buyer I'm working with is in a mood, I generally find that an ounce of compassion and a SINCERE smile work like a spoon full of sugar. I even smile, sincerely, when I'm calling to set up appointments to tell someone they are having credit issues. They feel it and it helps. 

3. You can find familiarity in the most unfamiliar places if you know where to look. I've stopped at metaphysical bookstores in Asheville, vegetarian restaurants in Baltimore, pubs in Nashville and burger joints in Ft Lauderdale and each and every one of these places felt so much like home to me that being homesick never crossed my mind. 

4. And while you're at it, bring a little home with you. I love a regimented life. Ever the Virgo, schedules and lists make my life go round. When I'm on the road I take a little of my routine with me and keep my yoga mat, journal, laptop, and meditation tracks close. Not only do they keep me on a routine but they are all things I associate with home and home is where my shoes are.

5. Always know where your hoodie is. It keeps you warm, dry and stylish as you traverse the country. 

I have way more life lessons but I'll share those later...for now

Lessons Learned From...Charlotte York-Goldenblatt

She may be naive and old fashioned but this Kappa Kappa Gamma was fiercely loyal to her friends, knew how to tastefully decorate a penthouse and never was caught dead in a bland twin set--well maybe in the first season when the budget was $0. It also doesn't hurt that I've finally embraced my inner Charlotte. Without any more chatter from the peanut gallery, here are the 5 things I've learned from Mrs York-Goldenblatt aka the former Mrs. Agent Dale Cooper.

1. Never marry a man who says "okie dokie" no matter how perfect he is, how great his family's house is or how sick he looks playing tennis in his boxers. Okie dokie men are probably only okie dokie.

2. Mr Right may not look the way you want him to or have the right pedigree,  as long as he makes you feel like the shiksa goddess that you are. Let's not forget she gave up Jesus for Harry. Jesus.

3. Be a lady in the street...Charlotte was no Samantha, but she did hang out with her. Enough said.

4. Relax, relate, release. After pulling all kinds of tricks to get married and have a baby, Charlotte met her man while she was going through her divorce and had her baby after adopting. In other words, the minute she let her guard down and chilled out, she got everything she spent 6 seasons stressing over.

5. Never, ever stop believing in love.

Lessons Learned From....Josephine Baker

Freda Josephine McDonald, aka Josephine Baker, was my kind of woman. She was fierce, talented, passionate, generous and behind that coy smile and Eton crop was one bad mamajama who did what she liked when she liked. She adopted her own "Rainbow Tribe" long before African babies were the new black and when her own country would not treat her with the respect and dignity she deserved she split! Here are a few lessons we can learn from the woman who put the Art in des Arts Decoratifs (Art Deco).

1. A banana hammock is a sin but a banana skirt is couture!

2. Being a cat lady isn't all that bad when your cat is a cheetah.

3. If you don't like the hand you're dealt get a new one...Josephine wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth but with hard work, dedication and a lotta bit of gumption she went from a street shild dancing on the corner to the "highest paid chorus girl in vaudeville" to the most successful American (notice I said American not African-American)  entertainer working in France.

4. Stand for something. Josephine was more than a nice set of legs and a pretty face, she worked with the French underground during World War II earning the Croix de Guerre, the Rosette de la Resistance and was made Chevalier of the Legion d'honneur by Charles de Gaulle. She also a HUGE supporter of the Civil Rights movement although she stayed in France where her marriage to a white Frenchman was not illegal--look up anti-miscegenation laws, interracial marriages were the first marriage equality fights--and she cared for her Rainbow Tribe consisting of 12 multi-racial orphans. Oh and JB refused to play to segregated audiences in the US.

5. "The things we truly love stay with us always. Locked in our hearts as long as life remains"

Lessons Learned from Samantha Jones

Although I'm mostly a Carrie with Charlotte tendencies-- I blame it on being southern--I have to say that Ms. Samantha Jones is full of juicy lessons. I mean you don't get to be as fabulous as she is without taking home a few frogs, racking up a ton of life experience and knowing the number for a killer plastic surgeon.

1. Who you are in bed is who you are in life. 
2. Men may come and go but your girls are forever. 
3. You can be 35 for as long as people will believe it. 
4. "A guy can just as easily dump you if you f**k him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth."
5. Enjoy your life, love who you are and NEVER apologize for it. "I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel."

This Week's "Burning" Question

This week's Burning Question is quite literally a burning question. Inspired by a story told to her about traveling Irish folk, for some reason this made me think of Johnny Depp in Chocolat, who burn their boats upon reaching their destination Danielle has asked her readers what boats would they burn, figuratively of course. (It's literally a burning question not because the question is on fire but because the question is about burning however, it's about burning figuratively...that just made me smile.) Word/grammer nerd minute over, here's my answer.

I'm not really a bridge, or boat for today's purposes, burning type. I see value in sometimes being able to go back where you've been in an effort to reset and carry on in a different direction is exactly where you need, kinda like the saying you can always go home. However, I don't think that's what Danielle is trying to get at via her question. I think what's she's after, correct me if I'm wrong, is the boat filled with lessons that we don't want or need to repeat. The boat that is weighed down with internships, shitty bosses, past relationships that didn't serve you, basically the boat that is carrying a full set of monogramed Louis Vuitton luggage with all of your life lessons in it. While I'd be happy to get rid of the mistakes it took for me to learn the lessons, I don't want to burn the lesson or the boat that carried me to where I am unless I'll be able to build/buy another boat when needed. All of this is generally speaking of course. In particular, I would love to throw a container full of lighter fluid and a match on the boat that brought me to where I am in my career, which is unemployed. The boat that carried me here is full of disappointment, feeling less than worthy of a job outside of retail, rejection, low self esteem and a fear of never accomplishing anything on this go round. I could totally stand to lose those feelings and my ties to working as a sales girl ever in life.  I do want to keep every positive experience I've gained in the past few years but the rest of it could totally go up in flames, and that's the point. Burning the extra crap allows me to swim the last few miles to shore with complete confidence that I am ready for whatever is next because I took the time to learn the hard lessons along the way.

Lessons Learned From...Madonna

1. Reinventing yourself every decade or so is necessary, especially since every 10 years or so you hit a new life stage that requires a new outlook and a new wardrobe.
2. Going by one name is better than three.
3. Owning your sexuality only gets better with age.
4. Anyone can have a beauty mark with the help of a kohl pencil.
5. Being ballsy is the best quality in a girl...if she wants to live the most kick ass life ever!

Lessons Learned From...Kim Kardashian

1. Tight dresses are a curvy girl's best friend.
2. Family means everything, especially when you have several business and TV shows together.
3. You may not be able to get rid of your ass but maintaining a career being famous for being famous requires you to work your butt off.
4. Louboutins can add almost a full foot to your height.
5. Jumping from one romantic relationship to another does not guarantee that you will find "the one". Actually, it only guarantees that you will go from one relationship to the next until you stop looking for love outside of you and realize that love and completeness comes from within.