Miracle Moment

I had a beautifully amazing Miracle Moment all written up about how I get down and get over those crappy feelings that tend to come over even the happiest people on the planet, but my inner guide who is part Chola jumped in and said "Delete that crap and speak YOUR truth, whatever that means." So, I highlighted my rather lengthy post on showing fear the door and sent it to the trash bin. That left me with a lovely blank slate where I was free to get down and dirty with myself and speak my truth to the world which is...I don't know. I know what my truth is, my truth is that I don't know. (Let's pretend we have some sense and not get caught up in an Abbot and Costello skit ok.)

Knowing that you don't know can be both frightening and empowering, depending on where you take it to. Think about when you were a little kid, you didn't really know much about the world and everything was new, fascinating and amazing.  You totally relied on your parents and the other adults in your life to teach you what was what and as you became familiar with the nouns around you, things became less fascinating, amazing and magical and more mundane. However life is always amazing and magical, we just think we know everything so we take it for granted and dismiss what doesn't fit into the boxes our mind made when some adult told us what was what way back when. The second you stop and say "Maybe I don't know everything about everything and maybe that's not the point," you open yourself up to learning all kinds of new amazing stuff that you could never have learned while you were busy telling everyone how much you know. You also get to relax knowing that no matter how many books you read, lectures you go to, degrees and certifications you earn or how many people kiss you tush YOU CAN NEVER KNOW EVERYTHING and neither can your teachers, pastors, big sister, life coach or therapist. Experts are never experts on everything and the only thing that separates them from you is the amount of time they devoted to learning one thing, not everything. (Ever heard the phrase "Jack of all trades master of none?")

Teddies arren't supposed to talk. 

Now back to that little kid that doesn't know anything and is aware of that. If that same little kid is frightened by something, say a curtain that looks like a ghost in the moonlight, all he has to do is ask for help from someone who knows more than he does. Usually the kid calls screams for their parent in the middle of the night and the parent comes in, turns on the light and tells them there is nothing to be afraid of. From that moment on the kid knows that the thing dancing in the moonlight is a curtain not a ghost and is able to fall asleep. Just like a child's fear of the unknown can turn into the boogey man or a murderous Teddy Ruxpin--don't judge 5 year old me, Teddy Ruxpin was creepy--an adult's fear of the unknown can turn into a fear of being alone or not living up to their potential. Why? Well simply put, no one is a afraid of things they understand, for the most part. Do you know anyone who is afraid of the present moment? Exactly. We're always afraid of what we think is going to happen next. Newsflash, you can't know what;s going to happen next. Even when you think you know what's going to happen next, you're really basing that assumption on what has happened before and jut because it happened before doesn't mean it'll happen again. Ask any good psychic and they'll tell you that the future is not fixed so it doesn't pay to obsess over it. Just chill in the not knowing every now and then, which is way easier said than done. 

This morning I woke up feeling pretty shitty about some things that I don't know and it took me stopping and saying "I don't know how this is going to work out, and I can't do much about it" for the mood to start moving. Do I know now? Nope. Am I stressing about it? Nope. Why? Because it's not my job to know what's going to happen next week, next month or next year, it's only my job to focus on making today as amazing as possible and allowing space of the unknown to work itself out in ways that I can imagine and ways that I couldn't even come up with in my wildest dreams.

Recovering B*tch

There is no beating around the bush or tip-toeing around the obvious on this one, I used to be a not so nice girl. Actually, some would have characterized me as petty, stuck up, mean, catty and of course bitchy. My constant rebuttal was that those people didn't know the real me, the real me was like the sweet chocolately center of an M&M and the me they were seeing was the hard candy shell that melts in your mouth not in your hand. Any friend I've ever had can tell you that I'm fiercely loyal,  always there when you need me even if it's 3am and I have to be at work in three hours and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, they could also tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say that I'm the one to come and sit next to...or I used to be.

I could tell you how in the past 10 years or so I've honed my ability to bring a woman to tears with a few words or how I learned to take pleasure in judging others and always finding them wanting, but then I would be either glorifying rude behavior or justifying my nasty ways and I'm not here to do either. Suffice it to say, I was a mean girl because in my limited experience I learned that it's better to attack them before they could attack you and we all know that eventually they will attack you. (Which by the way, does sound as insane to me as it does to you and I was the one thinking it.) I'm not saying this to make you think that all mean girls are really just scared, little girls crying out for love and attention on the inside--which is true about 95% of the time--I'm just making you aware of my thought process in regards to being a carbon copy of Regina George, Courtney Shayne and Kathryn Merteuil with a dash of Sanata Lopez thrown in for hood measure. 

To be completely honest this whole not being mean thing just came to my attention about a week or so ago. I was sitting at a table with a bunch of lady writers talking about things that lady writers talk about, Oxford commas, what magazines are hiring, boys, and I felt myself falling into my usual shit talking only for the first time ever it didn't feel so good. Actually it felt gross, like 70s porn star mustache gross, and I didn't know what to make of it. Then to make it even more eye opening, last weekend while working market in a showroom with other 20something fashion girls I felt my mind go into Snix mode and I instantly judged one of the girls for not being cute and for wearing Tory Burch flats. The second my mind did this, my big girl mind said "Who gives a shit if she isn't cute her soul is just as beautiful as yours is and those shoes don't mean anything because it's not real. So get dat ass to forgiving."(FYI my inner guide is a bad mamajama and is not to be trifled with.) Inner voice noted, I started to take notice of how I felt when I judged people for the crap they put on Facebook or carrying a fake LV bag and it didn't feel so good. I felt repulsed by what I was saying and thinking and finally got what my teacher Gabby B was saying when she spoke about change happening when you want it in her video blog. 

The only thing is, now that gossipping is as appetizing to me as a steak is to a vegan what do I talk about? (Just kidding, not knowing what to say was never a problem for me. I came into this world with my throat chakra wide open lol.)

Lessons Learned From...Madonna

1. Reinventing yourself every decade or so is necessary, especially since every 10 years or so you hit a new life stage that requires a new outlook and a new wardrobe.
2. Going by one name is better than three.
3. Owning your sexuality only gets better with age.
4. Anyone can have a beauty mark with the help of a kohl pencil.
5. Being ballsy is the best quality in a girl...if she wants to live the most kick ass life ever!

Quoted..

There is a voice inside of you, that whispers all day long."I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong." No teacher, preacher, parent, friend, or wise man can decide, what's right for you. Just Listen To The voice that speaks inside.

-This is one of the many reasons I still adore Shel Silverstein. 

I Lost My Choo!!!

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a phrase and concept that I never truly understood. I mean, what are you doing that your shoes are dropping? When I walk my shoes stay firmly attached to my feet at all times keeping me far from the danger of dropping one shoe let alone two. Perhaps this phrase was coined by someone who didn't wear shoes with straps or laces that was too big or something. Origins of the phrase aside, I do understand what it means to constantly be on the look out for something bad to happen, I spent a whole school year in therapy explaining my fear that no goo experience goes unpunished. While it's painful enough losing a shoe, or whatever the other shoe that is being dropped is supposed to represent, what happens when your other shoe is a Choo?

Jimmy Choo's Marlene feather platform sandal rings in at a whopping $1995 (no decimal between the 9s) and is a work of art to be treasured by any fashionphile. So imagine how gut wrenching it would be to drop one of these babies! Fortunately for you, I do know exactly how it feels to have a shoe of this magnitude drop. Not literally of course, I'm a writer who works in retail to keep her lights on and if you think I own $2000 shoes you really need to pinch yourself, or pinch me.  My Jimmy Choo Marlene feather platform was my most treasured possession, my boyfriend.

My real shoes are Calvin Klein...on sale!!!

It's crazy to think of a person as a possession, but when you are in the habit of putting people on pedestals, making them more special than you are and trapped in a vicious cycle of fear you do not see people, places, things and experiences as they truly are, that's what you do. You see everything as a tool for hurt and attack, capable of being lost or stolen and eventually causing great pain. When you create this kind of special relationship between a person, a job, a situation or a shoe, losing it means losing your greatest most treasured possession and ultimately means losing a part of yourself. For me, that is exactly what happened after years of being afraid that my Big would figure out how less than special I was and leave me. (That's not quite at all what happened but bear with me on this.) And you know what, I was hurt, shocked and broken but I wasn't disappointed.

When you spend your time building someone or something up to grandiose proportions that nothing can live up to and you constantly replay over and over in your mind the way things will NOT work out, how dare you be disappointed when the other shoe drops? The whole purpose of hanging on to that shoe and then fearing that it will drop at any moment is to soften the blow of what will happen when it eventually does drop. It does not ensure that you will keep it. Remember, the thing you think of most is the thing that you bring into your life, so if you constantly think "OMG! This Jimmy Choo Marlene sandal is so special and magical that if it drops I'll be broken. When it drops I'll have to figure out how to piece myself back together after having had such an amazing shoe," you know what happens, it drops and you shatter. But you say, "I knew it! That's how life always works" and aren't disappointed.


NEWSFLASH!!!! That is sooo not how life works. You've seen The Secret, you know that life works like this, "Think it, feel it, see it come into fruition." So um, yeah if you don't want your other shoe to drop, STOP WAITING FOR IT! The definition of waiting implies that you know something is about to happen so you do the mental math. I'm not saying ignore your fears, what I'm saying is do not put your trust and belief in them. Fear is a like your favorite frienemy. It will tell you, that you'd look great in that dress if your ass weren't so big and that guy would marry you if you had the right job. It never tells you that you are enough and that you deserve to be happy with both shoes firmly attached to your feet. Be grateful that you have feet and shoes, and if you happen to have a pair of Marlene's be grateful that you look amazing in them. Be then again if you are like me, you have amazing legs and look good in any shoe!

(I couldn't find the Lost Choo clip but this was the closest one I could find...So sue me. You won't get anything but a closet full of size 7 1/2 shoes and a bunch of clothes.)