Emotional Hoarding

Watching the show Hoarders it a bit like watching a train wreck. You start off with seemingly normal people who have homes bursting at the boards with years of junk that they can't let go of, without the aid of a therapist. Most of us sit back and wonder how did these people let stuff take over their life and vow that we would never, ever end up in such a situation but most of us already are. Just because our homes look more the something out of Dwell than something from an A&E special does not mean that we are not experienced hoarders holding on to past experiences that no longer serve us. Like the home of a hoarder being choked with odds and ends, our minds are being slowly suffocated with fearful thoughts based on past experiences that we are too ashamed of to ever clear out on our own, or with help. 

In the 27 years that I have been alive, I have latched on to quite a bit of unhealthy thoughts that stem from experiences I refuse to let go of. Honestly, at 27 most of these experiences seem foolish to have impacted my life but at 12 they were for sure make or break. That tiny instant where a group of girls in middle school made me feel like I was wrong or bad or different because I was my authentic self was planted inside me and lived there until, well now.

This is what your untrained mind looks like.

How did I get over this tiny mad idea that has been controlling my every move ever since middle school? Well not by checking facebook and realizing that the girls who mercilessly teased me and made me feel small aren't shit. Of course catching up with my "bullies" and seeing that by and large they are fat, married without meaningful-to me-careers, only made me feel good temporarily because these thoughts were based in judgement and judgement is based in fear and unloving thoughts. Eventually I would still revert back to the 12 year old girl who cried in the bathroom because her "friends" wouldn't talk to her or because someone called her nasty names. Entertaining thoughts like that were like me acknowledging that I was a hoarder and not hoarding any new stuff without throwing the excess baggage away.  The only thing that allowed me to throw out that feeling of not being accepted was to acknowledge where it was coming from, forgive and release the people I resented for not accepting me and to start loving and honoring me for being me.

Honest to blog, I love me. I love that I can quote Clueless and enjoy music that ranges from top 40 to college radio and everything that isn't only hip-hop. I love that I can spend hours in a museum or library all on my own. I love that I love the smell of books and freshly printed paper and Harry Potter and The Fountainhead and The Never Ending Story and David Bowie. I love that I am uniquely ME! And anyone who does not accept that can pick up their walking papers. Does this new found sense of self love and acceptance mean that all of my drama has been cleared from my mind and that everything is neatly organized? Hell no! I still have times where I feel like I do not belong but those times are few and far between, and when they come up all I say is "I am pure divine love living and breathing  in action and anyone who does not accept that...well that's not really my business who does or doesn't accept me."

21 Days To A Less Bitchy You!

If gossip were a sport Perez would win the gold medal!

Like I said before I'm a card carrying gossip girl, I got the card from the same guy who hands out and revokes race & gender cards he's really sketchy and sells fake Fendi bags out of his trunk. In an effort to be less catty/bitchy/hating/gossippy/insert word that means talking shit about other people just because I can, I'm taking up a challenge issued by my favorite ego warrior pal Rosi and will not let a negative word cross my lips for the next 21 days. That means no starting statements off with "I'm not being judgmental at all when I say this, just so you know..." or "I'm not trying to be any kind of way or anything but.." or better still "Maybe I shouldn't say this..." If I have to tell people I'm not being judgmental I'm probably being judgmental  and some kind of way, and for goodness sakes if the thought not to say something crosses my mind I should close my mouth and stop while I'm ahead. Since I know that I can't go around saying "I love you darling. It is all good. You are sweet as pie and ice cream" while my mind is going "What a C U Next Tuesday!" I'll also be cleaning up my 15 year old girl thought patterns as well. So for the next 21 days if I can't say or think anything nice I'll think something loving and move on!

I'll keep you all updated on how this goes. In the past 5-10 years I've amassed a ground of friends all based around the idea that if you don't have anything nice to say come and sit with us so this is going to take a LOT of work, but if I can run around Manhattan during fashion week in September in heels without breaking an ankle or my neck, this is a cake walk. 

Gossip Folks

In the grand tradition of shining light on my not so illuminated parts--not those parts, it's too cold to shine light on them in December--I have decided to out my guiltiest pleasure and probably one of my most shadiest traits; I'm a gossip. I love talking mad shit about people. Not because I think I'm better than them or anything, actually I'm not making any kind of judgement on them when I gossip, I do it because I can. When I don't have anything nice to say, I ramble and babble and eventually mad amounts of shit comes out about everyone around me.

Usually the stuff I say is so superficial that the person I'm talking about could laugh at it--I don't consider that gossiping--but every now and then I say stuff that might upset the person if they heard it, like saying a former co-worker smells like a cat or that another former co-worker has issues with her family therefore she'll always have relationship issues. While 80% of the stuff I say is as true as saying "the sun rises in the east" who the hell am I to go around spouting my version of the truth about other people to other people?

This has been the case since I could talk, and it is pretty much best summed up by a conversation I've had with my mom way too many times to count:
Mom: "You say things that can be mean and vicious sometimes."
Me: "I'm only telling the truth."
Mom: "Who asked you?"
Hmm....good question. No one ever asks you to speak the truth all the time about everything. How rude is it to just go around with verbal diarrhea spewing your version of the truth to whomever may listen? Very, but no matter how much at-one-ment I feel with others and how much I know that everything I say about others is a judgement about myself, even if it is just an observation, I still can't break the habit. I mean I've been gossiping since I was a wee one, now I'm old enough to have my own wee ones and for sure I don't want my unborn daughters to pick up that habit.

Gossipping does not feel good, actually it does not feel any way to me. The only reason I do it is to make small talk/entertain people/ exercise my jaws....guess I should read more so that I have more interesting things to say or do as the old adage says and keep my mouth shut when I don't have anything nice, or anything at all, to say. But how boring would that be? I'll figure out soon, because starting tonight, NO MORE GOSSIP and SMALL TALK....Ummm actually starting tomorrow.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I am Queen of Comparison, or at least I used to be and sometimes still am but increasingly less often than I used to be. (Whew!) Why wouldn't I be? Comparison and competition are the American way. We keep up with the Joneses and the Kardashians, speak in terms of haves and have nots and are constantly on the hunt to be good, better, and the best in every field. After years of living the American dream of being better than my neighbors, I am sooo over it!

All my life I've compared myself to someone in an effort to be deemed stringer, better, faster, smarter, prettier, and more worthwhile. I compared my past with that of girls who were living my dream of marrying their soul mate, "They're really religious that's why they're getting married," "They both have amazing jobs and me, not so much, so we can't get married until I get a great job," and my favorite, "We're way cooler than they are." I compared my resume that the resumes of other people who had jobs I dreamed of, "She went to a better/worse school than I did," "He was super involved on campus," or the best most irrelevant one, "Their parents obviously were connected and have money so that's how they got a job that someone like me deserves." I had no idea how insane I sounded comparing my life to that of total strangers.  Until I did, and trust me it wasn't hearing someone else tell me how trapped in insanity I was that let me know how things were, it was finally opening my eyes to the truth that got me right. 

There was no big "Aha!!" moment that broke my cycle of comparing every aspect about myself to everyone around me, including my friends who in the grand tradition of girls were my favorite people to compare myself to. Actually I stopped comparing myself to others when I realized that there was nothing to compare essentially. I mean, I am not any of those people and I do not need their qualifications to get anything I need in MY life. They may need their qualifications for THEIR life but the ones I need for my success are unique to me. Hence the term MY life. Seriously, you cannot measure your life against someone else's because not only is their life path completely different from yours but their soul has a totally different purpose and they probably have a different set of goals to fulfill. So if you can't compare your life to someone else's what should you compare it to? Nothing. Your life isn't good or bad, right or wrong, it just is and every experience you have shapes it into something that you could have never imagined in your wildest dreams. Even your past experiences are a poor measuring stick because you are not your past. Perhaps you were your past but you are not your past. Just live the life you have and enjoy every minute of it. That's really all you can do.