Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lessons Learned from....To Wong Foo

Yesterday I woke up in what I imagined to be a cold sweat, panicked and frightened as all hell because in a few short days I will be one step closer to 30 with nary a husband or child to show for it. Yes children, I woke up bright and early on Monday morning in the midst of a major "OH SHIT! I"M ALMOST 30 AND STILL SINGLE" freak out. While my most dependable ladies did their best to get me out of my "I'm going to check into the Ritz and check out if I'm still single by 30" mood, this was the kinda funk that needed an epic intervention to lift. Enter Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo dressed in full drag. Not only did my mood lit, wouldn't yours, but I also learned a few valuable lessons along that way that had me belting out "Rumor Has It" on my way home from work. Without further ado, here are the lessons I learned from To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

You are a boy in a dress. Not me, but Noxeema and Vida's protege Chi Chi. Along the way the more experienced queens prove to wee Chi that until she harnesses her inner queen that she is just a sad little boy playing dress up. Or as your mom would say, "It's what's on the inside that counts." Apparently when you're a drag queen, what's on the inside is fearlessness wrapped in pain smothered in camp and tempered with a "been there, done that, here's my unsolicited advice bitch" attitude. LOVES!

Hair, makeup and shopping solve everything. Hello! I got bangs and a tattoo post breakup to shake myself out of a rut, so of course the queens give every woman in the small hick town they are stuck in fierce makeovers to free them from abusive husbands, small-mindedness and Michael Vartan...Don't ever save me from that last one. 

It pays to have a friend who only looks like a girl. You hav no idea what I would give to have a girl friend who is had He-Man like strength when I'm out and some guy just doesn't get that I am not at all into him. 

If you don't love yourself...Of course the Queen of the queens, RuPaul, has a cameo in this one as done his message of loving yourself first. At the end both the ladies and the ladies learn that you have to love and accept you as you are if you want others to do the same. Even poor little rich boy/girl Vida vows to tell her conservative, East Coast fam that she is who she is and they can kiss it her huge pumps if they don't like it. 

If you have legs, use them! At a very statuesque 5'10" Ms Julie Newmar had some seriously amazing legs, and cuves, and boy did she work them in the photo that Vida lifts from the restaurant which serves as the journey's Holy Grail and gives the movie its name. At a statuesque 5'5", like Marilyn Monroe, I have learned the power of working my cuves and building upon what God has blessed me with by slipping into a pair of heels. Sadly, post break up I have forgotten that not only do I always look better in heels but I also have a sick body that I rarely work out or diet for. Time to make like Julie and werk!

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