Monday, December 17, 2012

Quoted....

Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable.
- Coco Chanel 

Monday, December 3, 2012

On Happiness...



Happiness is generally regarded as a fleeting emotion, one that we chase with fervor and are never quite certain when we've attained it. Even if we are certain, we know that one day soon, without warning, it's going to slip through our fingers and we'll be back to miserable, anxious, depressed, meh. We believe that everything but happiness is our natural state ignoring the fact that we come into the world happy and excited to be here until the world teaches us that we have everything to fear and loathe and nothing to be happy about that isn't tangible.

Driving on autopilot to meet my mom at work on the other side of town, a fit of warmth and happiness moved over me when I had every reason to be upset. Moments earlier I'd returned from my lunch break only to be dismissed from my job in a very surreptitious manner. I was caught off guard--which I really hate, and a bit stunned like when someone slaps you in the face or throws a drink at you, but I wasn't upset. (I'm only guessing, no one has ever had the audacity to either one of those things to me and would probably be in jail if they did.) Not an ounce of hurt or anger moved through me, just relief. Even as I relayed the news to my mother, I was still stunned but not at all angry or fearful or any of those emotions that rise up when someone feels wronged. I was actually more shocked that my emotions remained as happy and optimistic as they were when I woke up that morning than I was about me being fired. I felt relieved, for too many reasons to count none of which are connected to my ability to do my job. 


There used to be a point in my life when things just happened to me. I slipped unconsciously into the passive voice and willingly surrendered the power to create my own life to racist editors, girls who were born with sliver spoons and people who had more credentials than I did. Not realizing that by waving a white flag and bending to their will, I was purposefully creating a life where I was at the mercy of everyone else. As I drove home after helping my mom chaperone a middle school dance--thank God I don't have kids yet, I remembered the conversation I had immediately preceding my termination and it amounted to me saying I was ready to take a big risk and move on from a job that I was just comfortable doing. I wanted work that I was passionate about and while I liked my job, my passion was reserved for the time spent in front of my computer doing exactly what I'm doing now. (That is not to say I was about to quit or had even begun looking for a new job, I was just ready for change.) Funny thing is, the last time I said I was ready for a career change was around the same time last year a day before I found out the store I was working at was closing and with little effort I walked form that job into the one I just lost. I don't believe in coincidences. 

Am I jumping for joy that I lost my job? No, who does that? But I am all good. At no point did I entertain the thought that this somehow makes me a failure or means that I suck at life. People get fired all the time for various reasons that have everything and nothing to do with their abilities to fail or succeed at life. Actually if you measure your failure or success at life by how well you do something that takes up 8 out of 24 hours of your day, you may need to rethink a few things. Which is the point. Your happiness, feelings of self worth and success are all internals. Jobs, relationships, brown boots that you love more than life, all come and go in time and yes it fucking sucks when they do, but those external circumstances have nothing to do with who you are. How you handle the ebb and flow of life is how you can tell if you are truly happy with you. So of course I wanted to scream fuck you to the people sitting across the table from me as they told me to fork over their stuff and go (they didn't say it like that at all) but I didn't. I just rolled out and got on with my life. I've forgiven them for what I felt was an unprovoked wrong and that's that. One monkey don't stop the show and one sudden shower shouldn't ruin your day. I guess that officially makes me a happy person. Keep that on the low though I don't want to ruin my street cred.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I'm totally manifesting a Vita-Mix

Just because the last few weeks of 2012 are all about manifesting amazing shifts for 2013, I'm sharing this great vid by my fave spiritual gangster Gabrielle Bernstein. She is actually giving away her December coaching class, all about manifesting, to everyone who pre-orders her new book May Cause Miracles. I did coaching with her in January and it was amaze so you know I'm already booked up for the December class. Get grateful and get your manifesting on.



Monday, November 19, 2012

Quoted...

Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell 

From Worrier to Warrior



Every major "Aha!" moment that I have ever had has come to me through some form of pop culture, books, mags, reality TV, songs, catch phrases, you name it. That may mean I'm shallow and lazy like most Americans or that I manage to find depth in the most shallow of places...and that I'm lazy--there's no arguing that. I would much rather get my veggies in a juice and my enlightenment via YouTube than eating pounds of veggies a day and fasting and praying in the desert for 40 days and nights. I imagine if any one of the ascended masters were to read this they would agree.

As I sat on my couch doing my post-yoga TV catch up on New Girl and The Minday Project, an AHA fell right out of Mindy Kaling's mouth and into my head. Mindy was taking a ton of shit from Danny because she asked him to be her ob-gyn and he didn't want to do it ending with him pulling the ultimate low blow when talking to a single gal over age 30, ticking away her child bearing years. (You have to watch it.) Mindy goes to her office, throwing herself on the floor and seeking consolation in her bestie when the janitor bursts in to lend an ear and some advice. Most of his advice was horrible bu then he spit out this golden nugget, "give yourself a warrior name and let the person picking on you pick on the warrior and not you." It doesn't sound all that great but after Minday went back into the exam room and faced Danny as Beyonce Pad Thai it was on and she of course kicked ass. 


The "calling on a warrior" thing works because all of us at some point or another feel weak and vulnerable, whether we're facing a bully or going to an event solo--I hate going to events on my own. It's part of being in a body, you feel frail, weak and easily hurt both emotionally and physically. Why else would we have so many super heros and saviors in our culture? The only person that can save you from your fears is you, not the scared little kid you afraid of being ridiculous but the bad-ass, higher you that is fully in yourself and tapped into the higher wisdom that says "Bitch, I'm fabulous and if you don't agree I'm walking away." It's like the Sasha Fierce to your Beyonce.



Thursday night when faced with going solo to an event where I would know at least 3 of the people present, I decided to try this "calling on a warrior" thing. I looked in the mirror and named my warrior BeyB Bradshaw. (Bey- Beyonce B-the Bride aka Beatrix aka Uma Thruman in Kill Bill and Bardshaw like Carrie because all three of these women look amazing, wield awesome bitch face and would have no problem walking into a room full of strangers and their exes.) Not only did I name my warrior but I decided how she would dress--like me when I put forth effort--what kind of music she would get ready to--M.I.A. and Jay Z--and put her on like a goddess armor security blanket and walked out the door. It didn't cure my every anxiety but I was able to relax enough that I could get out of the car, mix, mingle and enjoy myself with worrying about what anyone thought of me. 

Now if only I could use BeyB Bradshaw to help me navigate those awkward moments when someone asks how my boyfriend is doing.


Monday, September 17, 2012

Quoted...

You train people how to treat you. 
- Iyanla Vanzant

Act like you know and they shall follow. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Wine Makes Everything Taste Better...


It doesn't always take a ton of bricks for you to feel like you were just hit by one. A few days ago I came across video on Facebook that slapped me across the face with a huge wake up call. It was just a remix of a song but something about the music and the visual made me stop and take a mini inventory of my life. And while I am very proud of everything I've accomplished in the past 8 years, I want stories to tell. I want to be able to sit down with my kids and tell them about being humbled when I stood at a temple in India or how I was a kick ass surfer who danced 'til dawn on the playa. I want to find freedom on a mountain top and silence in the ocean before I become a suburban housewife, and after. I was born with magic in my blood and I refuse to give up that potential without fulfilling it. 

In the spirit of learning who I am, I have decided to dedicate the next 2 years to blowing up my boundaries and doing all of the things I only wanted to do in dreams instead of waiting for my 20s to silently expire. While I do have a day job to keep, saving to build and a time limit to consider, I've come up with 30 things for me to do before August 26, 2014--when I turn 30--that are ambitious, international, totally doable AND full of magic. 

So here's my 30 before 30. If anything on here seems like a shock, you probably don't know me outside of the internet. And didn't I say I'm a beautifully strange amalgam of Beyonce, Carrie Bradshaw and Lisa Bonet? Keep that in mind...here'd the list.

  1. Go to Burning Man
  2. Go Paleo for 30 days
  3. Publish my 1st book (OK this is SUPER ambitious and totally doable.)
  4. Learn the art of trapeze
  5. Go backpacking through Europe
  6. Celebrate Durga Puja in Kolkata aka Calcutta
  7. Map out my family tree. 
  8. Throw a proper dinner party, with food I actually cooked. (I can burn. Lafayette voice)
  9. Finish reading those half read books on my shelf.
  10. Watch the sunrise over the ocean.
  11. Take a good old fashioned American road trip. 
  12. Learn how to surf. 
  13. Make my apartment beautiful.
  14. Spend the weekend with Gabby B at Spirit Junkie summer camp at Kirpalu.
  15. Finish a Course in Miracles. 
  16. 30 days of getting my yoga on. 
  17. Get published in a national glossy. 
  18. Go to the shows (not work them) at NYC Fashion Week. 
  19. Get my savings on!
  20. Add one pair of Louboutins to my closet. 
  21. Become fluent in French. 
  22. Learn the art of burlesque.
  23. Run a marathon....did I mention I don't run at all. 
  24. Hike the Appalachian Trail.
  25. Go to a music festival that is not Jazz Fest or Voodoo.
  26. Bungee jump.
  27. Visit the Grand Canyon
  28. Give snowboarding a try
  29. Learn how to make a stiff martini
  30. Follow through. 
I find it fair to mention that I have an intense fear of flying that I intend to conquer during the course of these experiences. That's technically number .1 on the list. 


Friday, September 14, 2012

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There are quite a bit of music videos on this page...here's one more.

 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Quoted

If poetry does not come as easy as leaves to a tree, then it had better not come at all
- John Keats 

Monday, September 10, 2012

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand blah blah blah


Creation always begins in darkness. Whether you are reading the Bible, the Rig Veda, the Popol Vuh or pretty much any religious or mythological text, they start with an all encompassing abyss. So too does our creation, unless your mother had a tap light in her womb. But aside from the moment when we went from a drunken night between two relatively responsible adults to a fetus, the moments that make us usually begin in darkness as well.

A year ago on this very day I was a nervous wreck that couldn't eat, sleep or move without falling to pieces in anticipation of the inevitable. I knew that my relationship, which up to that point was perfect in my mind, had done a complete 180 overnight and no amount of pleading, crying or talking could change that. I knew in my soul that my love could fix what was being held together with tape--me, him and us. I knew we were stronger than whatever had come between us. I was wrong. But then again, I was right.

This is not my ex...I don't remember this guy's name and this was from two weeks ago.

My relationship was not perfect, I spent as much time happy and in love as I did feeling clenched, unworthy and miserable. I wasn't in love with a person, I was in love with the way he validated my existence, boosted my self-esteem, made every other girl--and my shitty ex's--green with envy, and everything that made me feel better about me because of who he was. The ambition, drive, affluence, and success that drew me to him like a moth to a flame eventually made me feel small standing next to him. It wasn't all "I love you because of the way you make me fel about me", I still love and am inspired by who he is as a person--flawed, funny, and a shit talker--but I was wrapped up in finally finding my Big not how we worked or didn't work together. If you don't see the cracks in the foundation from day one, you end up buying a house that eventually sinks and I saw the cracks, and ignored them just to have my dream guy. Love cannot save a sinking ship. Ask Jack Dawson.

Guess no one told Jack to secure his life vest before attempting to help others. 

While all the love I had for him and us couldn't save anything, the love I had for myself eventually won out. There were days when I literally could not get out of bed and wanted to kill myself, obvs I did and did not. Then throw in losing your job on top of going through the most difficult breakup of your life and you get me circa January. In that vacuum, no job, no man, no money, I began to feel more free than I had in years. (It's funny what hanging at home and collecting an unemployment check can do for you.) For months I devoured self help books, checked into therapy--long over due, did a 4 week group coaching course, started doing volunteer work and a fuck ton of other shit. My life was a nothing like he life I'd spent the past 3 years building, one that would have ended with me and my ex as a strange hybrid of the Obamas, the Clintons--not really but really--the Gates, Bey and Jay, and basically almost any bad ass, smart, talented, revolutionary couple ever to have a documentary made on them. There were few martini circuit events to attend, no tiki Tuesdays and my calendar looked more like that of a yogi/new age/ hippy than a bad ass fashion blogger/writer. I'd gone from Carrie Bradshaw to Lisa Bonet over night and I wasn't mad at it.

Lisa aka Lilakoi Moon & her daughter Zoe make one bad majama mother-daughter duo.

In between all the manifesting, meditating, cleaning, and starting this blog, I landed a job that I wasn't even looking for--that my psychic connection predicted months before--and my life changed back to what I always wanted it to be. I am way closer to financially independent than I ever have been, I have a pretty decent job that is not a major life drainer, I can afford to shop at Whole Foods, I have successfully married my Carrie side with my Lisa Bonet and Beyonce sides--it looks and feels as amazing as it sounds--and I have reconnected with friends that I abandoned when I started my relationship in 2009. My life could only be more phenomenal if I were engaged to Alexander Skarsgard....dreaming is good for the soul.

He is really, really ridiculously good looking.

The point is, everything begins in darkness but it does not stay that way. I mean first there was darkness and then God was all like "let there be light" and darkness peaced out. Everything changes, all the time. Change is the one constant in life. If I have moved form wannabe socialite, shop girl balled up on the floor crying herself to sleep because the one thing that made her worthwhile was someone else to a badass creatrix ready to run shit in 2013 in only 365 day--was it leap year this year? Imagine where I can be in another 365 days, or rather where you can be.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lessons Learned from....To Wong Foo



Yesterday I woke up in what I imagined to be a cold sweat, panicked and frightened as all hell because in a few short days I will be one step closer to 30 with nary a husband or child to show for it. Yes children, I woke up bright and early on Monday morning in the midst of a major "OH SHIT! I"M ALMOST 30 AND STILL SINGLE" freak out. While my most dependable ladies did their best to get me out of my "I'm going to check into the Ritz and check out if I'm still single by 30" mood, this was the kinda funk that needed an epic intervention to lift. Enter Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo dressed in full drag. Not only did my mood lit, wouldn't yours, but I also learned a few valuable lessons along that way that had me belting out "Rumor Has It" on my way home from work. Without further ado, here are the lessons I learned from To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

You are a boy in a dress. Not me, but Noxeema and Vida's protege Chi Chi. Along the way the more experienced queens prove to wee Chi that until she harnesses her inner queen that she is just a sad little boy playing dress up. Or as your mom would say, "It's what's on the inside that counts." Apparently when you're a drag queen, what's on the inside is fearlessness wrapped in pain smothered in camp and tempered with a "been there, done that, here's my unsolicited advice bitch" attitude. LOVES!

Hair, makeup and shopping solve everything. Hello! I got bangs and a tattoo post breakup to shake myself out of a rut, so of course the queens give every woman in the small hick town they are stuck in fierce makeovers to free them from abusive husbands, small-mindedness and Michael Vartan...Don't ever save me from that last one. 

It pays to have a friend who only looks like a girl. You hav no idea what I would give to have a girl friend who is had He-Man like strength when I'm out and some guy just doesn't get that I am not at all into him. 

If you don't love yourself...Of course the Queen of the queens, RuPaul, has a cameo in this one as done his message of loving yourself first. At the end both the ladies and the ladies learn that you have to love and accept you as you are if you want others to do the same. Even poor little rich boy/girl Vida vows to tell her conservative, East Coast fam that she is who she is and they can kiss it her huge pumps if they don't like it. 

If you have legs, use them! At a very statuesque 5'10" Ms Julie Newmar had some seriously amazing legs, and cuves, and boy did she work them in the photo that Vida lifts from the restaurant which serves as the journey's Holy Grail and gives the movie its name. At a statuesque 5'5", like Marilyn Monroe, I have learned the power of working my cuves and building upon what God has blessed me with by slipping into a pair of heels. Sadly, post break up I have forgotten that not only do I always look better in heels but I also have a sick body that I rarely work out or diet for. Time to make like Julie and werk!




Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Rareness of Realness


I always thought it would be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.
- The Talented Mr. Ripley  

I was in high school when I rented The Talented Mr. Ripley one Friday night for family night--something my dad started after my parents got divorced when I was 11. While my mind may not have grasped every subtlety of the movie dedicated to a young man having a serious Single White Female style identity crisis--I just thought Jude Law was hot and had to see it because he was in it--I do distinctly remember agreeing with Tom Ripley when he managed those words. At the time I was 15 and like most teenagers I wasn't really comfortable with who I was, mostly because I didn't really know who I was. I knew who people expected me to be and I knew that wasn't necessarily me but I didn't know who me was, and therefore decided that like Tom being someone else would be so much easier. Eventually I grew out of that, puberty and wanting to be anyone but me. The funny thing is, the more real I am with me the more I realize how many people are real life Mr Ripley's trapped in lives that are far from who they really are in an effort to impress us all with their network, travels, iTunes libraries, Netflix queques, salaries, closets and relations. 

We all know the types, using religion, spirituality, materialism, elitism, the desire to belong and to not belong as a means to hide who they are from others for fear of rejection. I completely understand it. The world is a very "either you are with us or against us" kind of place where being who you are, raw and unfurled, can get your ass kicked or kicked out of your comfort zone Ask anyone who came out to an unsupportive family, an atheist in a room full of Christians, a feminist, someone fighting for their rights and the rights of others, or better yet anyone who has ever felt alone when they had to stand up for their beliefs. It hurts to be rejected for being who you are, especially if you are taught that who you are is wrong, bad or different.

The Spice Girls are still kick ass! 


I'm not that different--I am an odd mix of Daria, Quinn and Beyonce which means I love books, fashion and boys and I have a sarcastic sense of humor with kicking curves and a Southern drawl--but I was made to feel like I was wrong because I was a stereotypical American girl not a stereotypical BLACK American girl, whatever that means. So I learned to never say I preferred MTV to BET (that was way back when they both played videos), I actually loved reading the Crystal Cave, Dawson Leery was my secret crush and I blasted Jewel, Nirvana, Alanis and Lisa Loeb when I was sad and Britney, Spice Girls and Nsync when I wasn't--for the record everyone eventually got up on Britney, Nysnc and the Spice Girls because Justin Timberlake was hot sex, the Spice Girls were hella catchy and Britney turned into a total whore. The funny thing is 85% of this judgement was in my mind. I went to Catholic school and most of the girls were pretty average, it just wasn't until facebook was invented that I realized that I could've been myself all along. But when I talk about Single White Female and Tom Ripley types, I am not talking about teenagers with minor identity crises. I'm talking about full fledged adults who never learned that the only person judging you is you, even if you're talking to me and I tend to come off as judgmental...I'm not at all but I am a snob, that's another blog post.

While these two groups of people, teenagers and adults having identity issues, seem ages apart they are in fact stuck in the exact same mire. If I would have never realized that not only was I the only one judging myself before anyone else could but that the people who were judging me did not know me enough to do so, I would have stayed in a place where I pretend to be something I'm not so that people can like me for being a success, whatever that means. Guess what? Whether or not people like you is not your business. Your business in life is for you to like you. If you can fall asleep at night happy as a clam with who you are whether you are rich or poor, fat or thin or if you talk like Marlene Dietrich in clothes made by Balmain or not, there will be no shortage of people lined up to hang out with the you that is you. If you, however, make a habit of lying to yourself to get through everyday conversations with strangers to prove to them that you do belong, eventually you learn not to trust yourself or anyone else. So stop trying to be someone and start  being you, I mean being someone else seems tiring and I don't have that kind of energy or time to waste.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Quoted

And let your beauty once again engage the courage of a heart to start a fresh.
-Leonard Cohen 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Lessons Learned from...Bad Reality TV


I watch an embarrassingly inordinate amount of television. Not only is my TV consumption off the charts but it is also composed of hours spent watching some of the worst stuff on TV. Don't believe me? Ancient Aliens is on in the background as I type. Be that as it is, I have learned a lot from my hours staring at the screen. For example, did you know aliens were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs? Me either but Girogio Tsoukalos said so and it's on TV so must be a least plausible. While I do learn a few things here and there from the "educational" channels, most of my lessons from TV come from reality shows. Yes, those scripted reality based dramas filled with bad acting and women who are setting the feminist movement back decades.  After years of zoning out to housewives, socialites and just girls off the street behaving badly, here are the lessons I've learned from reality tv.

1. "You ain't 'bout that life." Yes Evelyn, you are correct in assuming that I am not about a life that includes throwing wine bottles, demanding clique loyalty, hitting below the belt and chasing jocks. I haven't been 'bout that life since high school and that was 10 years ago this year for me.

2. Anyone can be famous if she's cute enough, lough enough, crass enough or has money and a sex tape backing her. I loved Simple Life but I blame Paris and Nicole for this. *Sidenote: Where are Paris and Nicole now? Paris is laying low living off of Hilton money and Nicole is a mom, wife and fashion designer. In other words they were a mess at 23 and now at 31 they've *gasp* grown up. 


3. Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi, Prada...

4. The worse you behave the more likely it is that you will get a spinoff, book deal or at least get invited to a late night talk show or something.

5. Women are suffering from an extreme case of low self esteem, or better yet a lack of self love. From Kim Kardashian to Joselyn on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, and everyone in between, the ladies of reality TV are in serious need of a hug. Only someone who doesn't love who they are would go on TV and degrade themselves for a dollar. Whether they are looking for love and approval from a man who is cheating on them or at the bottom of a bottle or better yet from the American public, these girls need to look for love and approval in the one place that it lives...themselves.

*Climbs down from soapbox and turns on TV. 



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Quoted...

Love is a shelter. Love is a cause. Love goes on forever. Yeah, love will lead us all..
- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros "That's What's Up" 

Chill Out

All work and no monkey business

"Anastasia, we need to talk." As my breath quickened and my entire body tensed, I tried my damnedest to not let my internal breakdown crack my cool visage. While I waited for the other party involved in this conversation to return from the restroom I couldn't help but think that we need to put a moratorium on that phrase, "we need to talk." I mean, never in the history of mankind has that phrase been uttered with something positive hung on the other side of it. People never say, "We need to talk, you are awesome let's get married" or "We need to talk. You are awesome here's a raise." It's always "We need to talk. You haven't done anything wrong, things just aren't working out...you're fired/I'm breaking up with you."

So when my boss of three months uttered those damning words and followed them up with "You haven't done anything wrong..." my eye stayed trained on his but my mind when for a quick spin on the fear merry-go-round. I knew that despite my best efforts my performance had not been exactly extraordinary and that a large portion of the company's future was hitched to the success of my region. I also had a sneaking suspicion that the company owners would not fly down for a long weekend just to help me set appointments to make my bonus. The minute those words were put on the table my mind quickly added 1+1 and came to the conclusion that I was being fired. All I could think was, "How much of a loser am I? I'm being fired form the only full time, salaried job I've had in my field." Then immediately I thought, "How the hell am I going to pay my car note and rent now?" The next thought--again all of these thoughts are taking place in the time it takes for one guy to go to and return from the restroom--was "So what if they fire you, you'll find another job." My breathing immediately relaxed followed by every muscle in my body, because I knew that this thought unlike the other was true. I'd put in my two weeks at one job and walked right into another, and was hooked up with this job by a friend not long after being laid off. I also never went hungry and none of my bills ever went unpaid thanks to my hustle mentality, unemployment and my daddy.  In that moment, I knew that no matter what was said and done, I would be all good because something bigger than I am had always had my back. I took a deep breath and looked my boss in the eye, ready for the worst. 

It didn't come. Instead, I was given the answer to a prayer I'd sent out the night before. After struggling with how exactly I was going to go back to school later this year and manage a job where I was supposed to be home 2-4 days out of the month, I'd decided to give up on my job and look for a new one. But on Monday morning, after reminding myself that things usually work out for the best whether I know it or not, my bosses told me they were putting me in the showroom and hiring a more experienced salesperson to work the territory. Whew! Not only was I not being fired but everything was working out the way I needed it to. I would be home more often, able to focus on my writing and going back to school to hone my skills, and I wouldn't have to worry about money since my pay would stay the same. 

Would this situation have worked out had I not taken the time to refocus my thoughts and let the chill in? Of course, but instead of hearing that they are hiring someone more experienced that I can learn from and share the workload with, I would have heard that they hired someone and my job was being threatened. Same story, different perception. In the end, what you perceive in a situation holds more importance than what is actually happening. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Monday, July 2, 2012

Lessons Learned...On The Road

This pretty much happened to me last week, only I drive an SUV.

Living in this material world means that a girl has to eat and pay the occasional bill, or rather you fork over more than half of your paycheck to the bill collectors that is if you are me. To pay these aforementioned bills and for food, I schlep rags around the Southeast as a regional sales rep for FIVE (thats V) wholesale apparel lines. This may sound glamorous but all it really means is that I drive around the country battling rolling racks, weather and colorful buyers just to make sure your favorite local boutiques stay stocked with your favorite brands. (Oh you thought elves made the clothes and left them under the pillows of sleeping shopkeepers? Yeah so did I until I got a BS in the rag trade.)

While spending two-three weeks at a time away from home living out of hotels has earned me more in three months than a year of working in the mall, I'm exaggerating but not by much, the best thing my j-o-b has done for me is teach me life lessons that must be passed on. So instead of giving you life lessons from fictional characters or celebs, here's a little life advice from little ole moi: 

1. Make like a Boy Scout and always be prepared! Snagged a nail? Spilled coffee all over yourself? Cut your exposed ankle while wearing freshly laundered Keds? Anything that can happen, will happen so always be ready for shit to hit the fan because eventually it will. 

2.  Never underestimate the power of a smile. Whether I'm asking what's edible in the general area that is NOT fast food, in need of a hand to get my rolling rack full of stuff down the street to my car or the buyer I'm working with is in a mood, I generally find that an ounce of compassion and a SINCERE smile work like a spoon full of sugar. I even smile, sincerely, when I'm calling to set up appointments to tell someone they are having credit issues. They feel it and it helps. 

3. You can find familiarity in the most unfamiliar places if you know where to look. I've stopped at metaphysical bookstores in Asheville, vegetarian restaurants in Baltimore, pubs in Nashville and burger joints in Ft Lauderdale and each and every one of these places felt so much like home to me that being homesick never crossed my mind. 

4. And while you're at it, bring a little home with you. I love a regimented life. Ever the Virgo, schedules and lists make my life go round. When I'm on the road I take a little of my routine with me and keep my yoga mat, journal, laptop, and meditation tracks close. Not only do they keep me on a routine but they are all things I associate with home and home is where my shoes are.

5. Always know where your hoodie is. It keeps you warm, dry and stylish as you traverse the country. 

I have way more life lessons but I'll share those later...for now


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

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Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, and I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you who have een there with me through triumphs, tears, laughs, meltdowns, break throughs, wine bottles and more. You all have been the light in my darkest hours and the canned laughter to my corny jokes. Love each and every one of you.


 

Monday, June 25, 2012

More Blog Love!



I have to send a HUGE thank you and a lot of love to Sharode of Love & Lumiere, for showing me love by nominating my little blog for both the "Very Inspiring Blogger" and "One Lovely Blog" awards. I am honored and humbled that she finds my blog both lovely and inspiring and I raise a glass of Pinot Grigio in her general direction. Since I was bestowed with this super sweet honor I have to follow the rules and:

  • thank the person who nominated me and link back to them in my post (check)
  • share 7 things about myself
  • nominate 15 bloggers that I admire (I got lazy and stopped at 10, it's about quality not quantity with me which is why I'd rather buy 2 pairs of designer shoes than 5 pairs from Nine West)
  • leave a comment on their blogs to let them in on the great news
Since I have am both a narcissist and an exhibitionist, aren't all writers, here are 7 things all about moi. 
  1. I like chocolate and I like cake but I'm not super keen on chocolate cake, and chocolate ice cream...fuggedabouit.
  2. I have a scar above my navel where I got my bellybutton pierced at 19. 
  3. Meditation is my medication...along with a great glass of wine.
  4. I bring my yoga mat with me on work trips and do more yoga in hotels than in studios.
  5. I've been addicted to vampires since before I needed a training bra thanks to watching Fright Night with my dad as a tot. (BTW I'm Team Eric all the way)
  6. I may work in fashion but I never wear heels, or make up. 
  7. My friendships are more valuable to me than anything I own, including Phineas who I rescued from a junk yard after totaling my car because I promised him that the second I upgraded from the Mirage he would come with me. 
Without further ado, here are the blogs I love that you should love too:


Conversations with Trice

My friend Patrice, aka Trice, is one of my all time fave spiritual running buddies that I can always turn to when I need to out my ego, celebrate a synchronicity or just for an lol. During our powerful pow-wows, or just when we're exchanging texts and what not, little nuggets of wisdom pop up and I'm going to start sharing them here.

While talking about my newest tattoo, an ode to love on my left wrist:

Trice: "Love it! Love conquers all."
Me: "Honestly, after losing the love of my life and having to start all over again (with dating), knowing that I can get this and believe in the healing power of love proves that it conquers all."
Trice: "It does."




Friday, June 22, 2012

Blog Love!



I'm a bit late on this but my blog post, And A Door Swung Open (you can alos find it here on DATC) was featured as a Blog We Dig on HerFuture.com for the last week of May. Glass raised, cupcake eaten, heart humbled.

FYI the image is from last year when one of my biggest teachers, Gabrielle Bernstein, tweeted a quote from my blog post, What Spiritual Looks Like, that made it to the Blogs We Dig list as my first (or maybe second) blog post to hit the list ever. So grateful for my Her Future fam for reading and supporting my blogs. BTW, that tweet made my year! 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Monday, June 18, 2012

What Makes You Happy?



Driving from dinner to a strip club last weekend, I got into one of those conversations that only happens when two girls meet and marry the right amount of alcohol. And by right amount, I mean I had two drinks and perhaps she had too many. Either way, we were on our way to our third stop of the night when the conversation turned from boyfriend drama to convient theories on life. Navigating the freeway with my iPhone I told my passenger that nothing on the outside can make you happy, not your boyfriend, not your job, not the vacations you take, nothing because everything you see is temporary and you shouldn't put your happiness in things that can change with little to no notice. With a bit of a drawl she confronted me dead on, like only a girl born and raised in New York would, and said, "What makes you happy?" Without hesitation I said, "I do. I decide to be happy no matter what and that's that."

Great answer right? In that moment I went from preaching it to knowing that I was totally practicing it. I mean, how else could something so sweet have rolled off my tongue with little thought? It had to have been firmly embedded in my cells or firmly memorized. I remained fully calm and collected while this girl went on and on with questions designed to throw a wrench in my view, "What about if your friend had cancer and you knew they were going to die?" "I'd be hurt, angry and upset, but in the end if there is nothing I can do about it I have to accept it and keep it moving." To me, this proved I was one step closer to enlightenment, or something like it, but only a few short days after our conversation I was slumped on the foyer in my apartment bawling my eyes out to my dad about having had my heart broken by the one man that I'm sure could ever love poor, wretched me. WTF!!!! Where did the happy go? Like any good Virgo, I decided to retrace my steps to see where I left it.

Me and L L last summer with Candace Bushnell...random


Between the sinus infection I picked up early in the week, which left me in bed for most of Monday and Tuesday thanks to my meds, and the sinking feeling I get every time I'm at work for 8 hours alone and then at home for another 8 hours alone my happy checked out. I kept replaying the fact that if it were last year and I had a sinus infection I would not have had to drag myself out of bed to buy Advil, my boyfriend would have done that, and I would not have had to spend every moment after work on my own because there was someone else at home to talk to. If it were last year I wouldn't have to deal with people asking me how is it that I'm single because I wasn't single last June. And there it is. The moment my happy left and the sinus infection slipped in. (Actually the sinus infection has probably bee building for weeks since I live in random hotels when I'm on the road.)

While I know he meant well, telling a single girl "I don't believe that you're still single. You're gorgeous  and I see how guys look at you" is like asking her "When are you getting married?" The instant that statement was leveed at me I sank back to Earth and was reminded that I may have a nice job, a new car I got with my own credit score, a boat load of friends and family who love me, a sick closet in a cute apartment, I haven't gained a pound since high school and I have a million and one things to be grateful for, I am still missing the one thing I so desperately want...a soulmate. It also immediately drew my attention to the fact that I thought I'd found my soulmate three years ago in a dive bar on New Year's Eve--a story he was ashamed to tell--and that despite my best efforts he'd left me. This line of thinking also brought me to a place where I blamed myself for our breakup--it is not my fault he got scared, confused and emotionally cheated on me if not physically--and blamed myself for not having found someone new just yet. This spiral locked me into thoughts of not being good enough to land the appointments I need to book my trip to Tennessee and North Carolina next week, let alone to make my bonus. It made me want to abandon my job and live in a coffee shop working on my book--not a bad idea really since I feel most me when I write. The point is, the way that I took this one statement said without even the slightest air of malice and ran to crazy town with it just further illustrates my point that I decide whether or not I'm going to be happy.

Yes, I would be happier in a job in publishing but until one comes along or my book deal falls from heaven like manna I have to work to pay my bills. Oddly enough, the work that I do not only pays my bills and puts me in contact with some of the strangest and most awesome people in life but it also provides me with plenty of inspiration to write my book and help me reinvigorate my flailing fashion blog. I can also say I would be over the moon if I walked out my door and Alexander Skarsgard was there and wanted to marry me, but since I'm 99% sure that's not happening and that would leave me a bit unsettled in real reality if he did--in fantasy reality I would be all in--I kinda have to keep on trucking until some guy at a party or something is all like "Hey do you want to go see that new Wes Anderson flick? I mean you look like you like movies like that and Thai food." While I'm waiting for my time and divine time to synch up like the recent Venus transit, I have to focus on being happy with what I have because if I'm all pissed and cursing the moon not only is the guy whose supposed to ask me out going to be like "wow that chick is crazy, no movies and red curry for her", I won't have enough time or energy to write a single thing.

So, what makes me happy? Me....and cupcakes.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Quoted...

A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.
- Soren Kierkrgaard 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

(+)

If Zach Galifianakis doesn't make you crack a smile in this, you need to check your pulse sir or madam.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The Sound of Silence


*So, as usual I'm almost a week late with my answer to Danielle Laporte's Burning Question, but better late than not at all. 

There used to be a time that being alone in silence was quite unnerving for me. The minute the sound went off my thoughts went on overdrive convincing me of everything form my impending death by plane/car/intruder/being eaten alive by the million cats I'll have to fill the void of being single...and that was well under the age of 20. I used to be so terrified about what my mind would kick up the second silence settle on to a scene that I began sleeping with the radio on, which eventually morphed to sleeping with the TV on. The comfort of a sound to concentrate on allowed my mind to stay so busy listening that it forgot to think about all of the awful things that could happen to me on the daily. Inevitably,  the power would go out or I would be away from home and unable to sleep without the comfort of some outside sound and right on time like bangs at a Sleigh Bells concert, my thoughts would go on a mad dash that resulted in me laying awake for hours glued to my bed, praying for sleep. Eventually, sleep would come but not a restful one. Nights came and went, much like my anxiety issue,  and eventually I learned to deal with silence.

I don't know when or how it happend, somewhere between my breakup and learning a new normal I think, but one day I woke up and silence felt good. It felt calm and even necessary. All it took was for me to grasp one simple concept, "You are not your thoughts." I am not my thoughts, you not your thoughts and neither is ya mama. Of the 60,000 thoughts we have everyday, at least one of them is going to be less than amazing but that doesn't mean you should run with it. Picking up the one randomly bad thought you have every couple of hours and taking it for a ride on the merry-go-round until it has you dizzy and whipped up into a frenzy is so unproductive. I'm not saying you ignore your bad thoughts just say "thanks for sharing bitch" and keep it moving. No need to ruin your sleep worrying about what bills you have or haven't paid, what man you're going to meet or not meet, when you'll find a job and if you'll die a cat lady. All that time you spend worrying is a waste of time, point blank.

Back to silence. The minute I embraced the fact that my thoughts are just thoughts nothing more and that I control them not the other way around, silence became my greatest ally. I wake up and enjoy a cup of hot tea in silence after meditating, spend time in silence when I get to my hotel soaking up the scene and every night before I go to bed I chill the f*ck out in silence. Like my grandpa used to say....


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Lessons Learned From...Charlotte York-Goldenblatt




She may be naive and old fashioned but this Kappa Kappa Gamma was fiercely loyal to her friends, knew how to tastefully decorate a penthouse and never was caught dead in a bland twin set--well maybe in the first season when the budget was $0. It also doesn't hurt that I've finally embraced my inner Charlotte. Without any more chatter from the peanut gallery, here are the 5 things I've learned from Mrs York-Goldenblatt aka the former Mrs. Agent Dale Cooper.

1. Never marry a man who says "okie dokie" no matter how perfect he is, how great his family's house is or how sick he looks playing tennis in his boxers. Okie dokie men are probably only okie dokie.

2. Mr Right may not look the way you want him to or have the right pedigree,  as long as he makes you feel like the shiksa goddess that you are. Let's not forget she gave up Jesus for Harry. Jesus.

3. Be a lady in the street...Charlotte was no Samantha, but she did hang out with her. Enough said.

4. Relax, relate, release. After pulling all kinds of tricks to get married and have a baby, Charlotte met her man while she was going through her divorce and had her baby after adopting. In other words, the minute she let her guard down and chilled out, she got everything she spent 6 seasons stressing over.

5. Never, ever stop believing in love.

Quoted

I am likely to miss the main event, if I stop to cry or complain again. So I will keep a deliberate pace..
- Fiona Apple "Better Version of Me" 

Friday, May 25, 2012

And A Door Swung Open



Last month, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germonatta sat down with Oprah to discuss the past 26 years otherwise known as her life. In this chat, which aired on Oprah's Next Chapter which is nothing like the Oprah Winfrey Show (eye roll), Gaga got down and dirty with O about her creative process. She described getting in touch with her muse as a cold, lonely process where she goes into a cocoon, cutting herself off from all media, people, plants and animals until a door opens. Naturally, being the me that I am, I immediately called bullshit on this. Once again Gaga has proven to be a strange amalgam of Madonna and Holly Golightly, a pop culture phenomenon who really believes all this phony junk she claims to believe in. Honestly I would still be calling bullshit on it had a door not opened for me last night.

She's a real phony...


After another day at work calling shop owner after shop owner while fighting with a terrible sinus headache and running all over town, I was beyond exhausted when I finally got home. On top of being tired I was also terribly lonely, a feeling that has been creeping up on me all month with the hotel hopping, working with people who don't get me at all--that's a whole 'nother story--and spending 99.9% of my day alone at work and alone at home. As I burdened my family and friends with the third break down of the week, I began to feel like I was standing in a hallway with a big black "censored" bar over my face, unable to move or move it. So I got off the phone, took a shower and a nap. Somewhere in there I began to think about what it is that I want in life and realized that until then what I wanted out of life was what other people wanted for me. In other words, I had no idea what I wanted.


Why Zoe? Why not? I just threw it in. 


Pre-relationship, I knew I wanted to be some kind of Carrie Bradshaw like fashion writer killing shit at Vogue for my 9-5. (More like if Carrie Bradshaw worked at Missbehave and was more like Sarah Morrison with Carrie Bradshaw's never ending stream of disposable income minus the "I'm crazy bc I'm over 35 and unmarried" thirst.) As a street wear/fashion/random shiz blogger back in 2008, I knew I was on my way. I'd made connections in NYC with fashion type people and my blog was just about to blow up. Then I met a guy who I fell in love with and while I totally loved him and he loved me for exactly who I was, I always felt ten steps behind him. This insecurity made me constantly feel as though I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and for damn sure successful enough to be with him. I stood next to him at parties with PhD virologists who worked on the forefront of preventing the next AIDS epidemic and felt so small when I had to tell them that I worked at the mall. I have to say that all of this was in my head, the person I was dating in no way even insinuated that I was anything less than wonderful actually he encouraged me to stop playing so small when we were out.




Now I know you're all like, "What does you feeling insecure have to do with Gaga and a door?' Everything. You see last night I remembered that while my relationship was filled with many beautiful moments and experiences that I will always cherish, I also felt caged in some way. Like I was trying so hard to be the kind of person that someone else wanted me to be. Again, this person only wanted me to be the best me and not sell myself short and for that I thank him, but I have to figure out who the best me is and want to be her. And for the record, the best me does not write like Molly Lambert--mainly because I'm Anastasia and she's Molly Lambert, I also don't write like F Scott Fitzgerald--and wears ghetto gold with her chambray tops. The best me is obsessed with fashion a means of capturing the zeitgeist of a generation not as something to simply wear. The best me is an amazing story teller because she has an imagination that runs wild. The best me writer because she feels most like herself when she does. Above all, the best me is constantly changing, growing and evolving.

I got picture happy.

As I thought these things out and stopped looking on the past 3 years with rose colored glasses, I felt the blocked, fragmented feeling that had settled in my soul a few weeks ago shatter. I felt the black box in front of my face dissolve, then finally I felt a door swing open. Then I walked right through that beeyatch into a hallway of infinite possibility. Don't believe me? Ask the "coincidences" that followed me all day today, the free danish and hot tea from a guy who didn't haggle me for his number, the 3 appointments I set in an hour after struggling since last Tuesday and the amazing feeling that has settled over me despite the fact that my allergies are tying to do me in. Now that the door has swung open, there is no part of me that would choose to go back...not that I could if I wanted to.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A New Normal



Last October I was literally a crumpled, battered mess lying on the floor in my apartment in tears and holding myself together with tape as best I could. I lingered between having the strength to live and having the ability to leave the hurt and my body behind. (Yes that means exactly what you think it means.) Every second of every minute was torture until I could finally fall asleep and every minute of every hour was hell when I woke up and realized that my dreams had been shattered. Never in my life had I hurt like that, not even when my grandmother died, and never in my darkest of moments did I believe that in 8 short months I would be closer to normal than I ever thought I could be...well as close to what normal is these days.

Not that normal has changed, it's just what I consider normal has shifted a bit. Last May, normal was Tuesday night on the couch with my ex watching Glee or at picking out a tiki mug at Tiki Tuesdays while we chatted with friends. Now, normal is me sitting in a hotel in Baltimore blogging between commercial breaks and prepping for another day of training for my new job. It's meditating before bed every night and before I get out of bed every morning. It's passing on the chicken at a business dinners in New York, cold calling boutiques while text messaging my family and friends and above all else it's me figuring out me again. Learning, relearning and remembering what makes me happy, not what makes us happy.

Don't get me wrong, I was sublimely happy in pretty much every moment of my relationship but there is a big HUGE difference between what makes ME happy and what made US happy. There are the happy things that we shared, hanging in bookstores, spending the day at museum, falling asleep on the couch while watching whatever art house/old school/foreign/it's too late on a Friday to be watching this movie. Then, there are the things that make me happy, glitter nail polish, ghetto gold, sipping hot tea in the early morning silence, making stuff, cooking, eating chain food...every now and then and talking mad shit (I did that with my ex, he was pretty good at being a snob for all the right reasons). It means no more rolling my eyes and doing things or not doing things because they make me look cool to him. It means no more feeling like I'm stumbling to catch up to someone that I felt 20 steps behind. It also means that all of the cool stuff I discovered about myself in my relationship--like my love of NPR, Indian food and becoming even more of a nerd---isn't going anywhere, it's just going to be more me. Actually that's all that's happening, I'm becoming more me....and that's the most important thing that I could ever be.

*I should also note that in this process of me becoming more me, I'm becoming more me as an author and have ben taking all kinds of notes on a book that I'll be publishing in the next year or so. Or so being a period no longer than 2 years. That is all. 


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

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After being out of town for about a week I am soo feeling this.

Quoted

"When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared and freaking out or whatever, I always think 'What would Buffy do?'...you're my hero."
- Xander Harris 

*I have many sheroes and one of them used this quote in her email signature reminding me how awesomely obsessed with Buffy I used to be back in my cheerleading days.  

Thursday, May 3, 2012

What Do You Have?


G is for grrrateful..that was lame lol

I know the week is almost over but I've only just had enough time and energy to thoughtfully sit down and attempt to answer this question. Away, with gratitude being the theme of the week--Oprah ended Lifeclass with it and Iyanla Vanzant was talking all about it on her Hay House Radio show--it seemed only fitting that this week's Burning Question was all about acknowledging what you have. So many of us focus on the void/lack/have nots that we totally forget the things on our wish list that we already have. As we all know, getting grateful for what you have is the only way to get more of what you want. Without further explaining, here are the things that I want that I already have....(that doesn't mean I'm scratching them off my wish list though.)

"I want more love"= Well not only do I have the love of my nearest and dearest but in the past 6 months I've expanded that list to include some kick ass spiritual gangstas that send all kinds of love and good vibes my way everyday.

"I want to be financially independent and secure"= Since I never specified how much and just left it kinda vague I have to say that I have more money. Much more money than I had this time last year AND I just started a job to ensure that I financial independence is here. I also learned that a job is not the end all be all when it comes to income because I made more money when I was unemployed than I did when I had a job. lol

"I want soul expanding work."= Here's the thing, for your soul to expand you have to push yourself to your limit, say eff the comfort zone and rip the envelope open. As I sit here in a hotel room in Baltimore writing a brand new definition for normal, guess what? My soul is expanding in all directions which will eventually allow me to sit comfortably in a level of greatness that I could never have dreamed of. Oh and least I forget, in this new line of soul expanding work I am making new friends all over the country and opening my heart up to more love and abundance that I could have ever dreamed of. Booyah!

(+)

Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012

Check Yo'self Before You Wreck Yo'self


Lately I have been consumed with learning as much as possible about personal dramas. My personal drama, other people's dramas, how I effect other people with my drama and how other people's personal dramas effect me. As I've been going about my drama research, the Universe has decided to provide me with teachable moments to experience how these dramas meet and interact on the daily. This has given me plenty of time to learn that no matter the situation I have to check myself before I wreck myself if I want to get out of interactions with people totally unflustered.

My first opportunity to check myself and not meet ego with ego, came while talking to my ex from high school on facebook. Every few years he pops up in my life, usually when he's single, to see how I am and 9 times out of 10 these conversations end in him insulting me because I am not interested. Our real problem is that while I see him as a 27 year old man that I have nothing in common with, he sees me as a 15 year old girl who is insecure, unsure of herself and would love to be with him. (Truthfully, I was painfully unsure of myself all through high school and stayed in a relationship with him because I thought he was as good as I could get...FALSE EXPERIENCE APPEARING REAL) Whatever our perspective differences our conversation went from me trying to end the conversation peacefully to him attacking me. I had to go back and reread the thread to see if I ever once attacked him, insinuated he was less than or anything and nope nothing. His issue was that he was expecting one reaction and got another, I say his issue because the way people perceive you is never your issue. Either way, eventually I found myself slipping into my "poor me" drama and had to check myself before I wreck myself. Instead of further engaging in a cyclical conversation that was upsetting and tiring us both out, I decided to get off the merry go round and just stopped answering his messages. Honestly I probably should have stopped answering them after a day or two but I didn't want him to feel like I was pulling a Gotye on him but it has been ten years and unlike my most recent ex and I, me and the high school beau don't have much in common. It's not a bad thing, he is just a person I would see in the park and say "cargo shorts, really?" and keep it moving. No judgement, we just aren't on the same wavelength mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, culturally etc and that happens after 10 years. Anyway, my personal drama experience would have been done there with a BIG lesson learned--go with your gut and don't let people peck you--but my lesson was not done.



Thursday night I went to a party hosted by some of my favorite fab Atlantans at the Gucci store. Drinks were flowing, food was being passed, the energy was effervescent and I was totally soaking it all in. I even met a super cute guy who I think was sent my way not as a potential mate but more as a sign that I am beautiful and guys do like me. (We did exchange numbers and I'm sure he'll pop up on my cell when/if he's supposed to...I love this chill approach to dating and meeting guys.) While I was fully in my me-ness and feeling as bubbly as the prosecco that was being passed around, I was roped into a conversation with a guy that was all about me meeting his ego with defenselessness. This stranger, straight up to me I was going to need to wax my upper lip when I turn 30. It was like the record scratched and everyone at the party went "err?" At first I responded with my usual "poor me" defenses and tried fighting him off, however that is exactly what he wanted. (You see everyone has a way in which they attempt to get energy/attention from others and his way was to giveth then taketh away or as the Celestine Prophecies would say, he was an interrogator. ) After a minute or two, almost as if a light switch was thrown in my brain, I identified his compliment with a but as an attempt at getting a reaction from me and simply told him that he should end his compliments with the compliment and leave the buts out then I walked away. (After a bit of a tug-o-war with him hugging me and refusing to let go. FYI I am not as young as I look or as weak as you think, my dad was in the military so I know how to break a hold and throw a punch if necessary.) This interaction ignited something in me, along with the one with my ex from high school and a conversation that I had with a girlfriend about her boyfriend earlier that week. 

All my life I though I had to fight. I thought the only way to stop feeling like a "poor me" was to go from damsel in distress to Xena, boy was I wrong. As A Course in Miracles says, "In my defenselessness my safety lies," meaning before you defend against anything you need to take a minute and ask yourself what am I defending against. No, really what am I defending against? When I was talking to my ex on facebook there was nothing to defend against, because not only am I not capable of being attacked but defending against nonsense makes more nonsense. Did you get that? There is no way to make sense of nonsense and it is NOT my job or anyone else's to force people to see sense where they refuse to. People have to come to things on their own in their own time and no amount of forcing will make them change. So next time you feel someone spitting nonsense your way stop trying to check them and shake them into reality and check yourself then cross the street as Iyanla Vanzant would say.



As a part of learning to check myself and keep myself in check, I have committed to wearing a rubberband for 30 days and every time I feel myself acting out of fear, falling into the poor me trap, not living in the present, or just generally not living in my truth, I'll snap my rubberband to snap back to life and reality. So if you see me snapping myself with a rubberband anytime this month know I'm just working on me. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

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Major Lazer + Amber of Dirty Projectors + a Mr Tee like character = amazing....listen to the lyrics

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Stop the Shhhh!!!

I was walking from Madewell to Bloomingdale's on my Spring living spree, bags in hand, when my phone vibrated to let me know I had a new email. I was expecting some kind of spam from one of the many mailing lists that my email address has found itself on or something work related, however it was an email from a friend of an acquaintance saying that she had passed in the night. (She being the acquaintance not her friend.) Before I go a character further, I have to say that I didn't know this person very well, only through facebook, herfture and email. Despite not knowing her in real, real life, her death shook me enough that it made me question the way in which I live my life. I mean, she was 31, had been living with cancer for years and despite that was still the shining light in my inbox every week.

I'm not going to dwell on the life of someone who touched my life without knowing much about it, but I have to say the death of a person in your age group always makes you rethink your life. It forces you to face you own mortality in a way that seeing an older person die never could. It drives home the message that life is short since it indeed could be over much more quickly than you think, causing you to rethink the way you've handled or not handled things. Having a friend or colleague who is merely a few years older than you live her life fully while dying, while you are stressing over the dumbstuff, makes you remember that life is a gift. I'm trying not to sound too shallow but it often takes the death of someone to make you realize how good you have it. I mean just yesterday I was bitching about the fact that I'm single instead of celebrating my new job and car. I was also debating on wether or not I should get real with my ex about us. Now all of that drama seems both small and huge at the same time. Small because it's petty stuff. My life is stinking awesome the end. However on the other hand my drama just got ocean size.

When you die the things you regret are the relationships you effed up, the people you took for granted, the time you spent working instead of living and a whole host of stuff that has nothing to do with how much money you earned, how many shoes you owned or how successful you were. People say it all the time but it's true, you dan't take it with you. The only thing you'll have on your death bed is family, friends and your memories--and perhaps a blanket. You have your love and that's all, and if you're me you have a heart full of love deeper than the ocean--Titanic reference--that is reserved for one person who either does not care or does nto believe me when I say that I love him not the job or the money or the outside shizz but the person who makes me feel like being me is the easiest thing in the world. (Trust me being me is not easy, being a puppy is easy being me is strange.)

You know, death makes you remember how fragile and temporary our bodies are. Once they're gone they're gone and you move on to wherever you came from. But in the meantime, while you have a body, tell the people that you love how much you love them, forgive the people that have wronged you, enjoy the time you have to do nothing, seek balance and have ice cream....real full fat ice cream that is rich and creamy and makes you want to jump on a treadmill after eating it. You only taste for as long as you have taste-buds so don't waste your sense of taste, or hearing, sight or smell for that matter.

*I'm not going to get all weepy and sappy but I am going to say that Shanna Sandmoen was an amazing woman and her weekly emails and blog posts will be missed.