Monday, January 2, 2012

Emotional Hoarding

Watching the show Hoarders it a bit like watching a train wreck. You start off with seemingly normal people who have homes bursting at the boards with years of junk that they can't let go of, without the aid of a therapist. Most of us sit back and wonder how did these people let stuff take over their life and vow that we would never, ever end up in such a situation but most of us already are. Just because our homes look more the something out of Dwell than something from an A&E special does not mean that we are not experienced hoarders holding on to past experiences that no longer serve us. Like the home of a hoarder being choked with odds and ends, our minds are being slowly suffocated with fearful thoughts based on past experiences that we are too ashamed of to ever clear out on our own, or with help. 

In the 27 years that I have been alive, I have latched on to quite a bit of unhealthy thoughts that stem from experiences I refuse to let go of. Honestly, at 27 most of these experiences seem foolish to have impacted my life but at 12 they were for sure make or break. That tiny instant where a group of girls in middle school made me feel like I was wrong or bad or different because I was my authentic self was planted inside me and lived there until, well now.

This is what your untrained mind looks like.

How did I get over this tiny mad idea that has been controlling my every move ever since middle school? Well not by checking facebook and realizing that the girls who mercilessly teased me and made me feel small aren't shit. Of course catching up with my "bullies" and seeing that by and large they are fat, married without meaningful-to me-careers, only made me feel good temporarily because these thoughts were based in judgement and judgement is based in fear and unloving thoughts. Eventually I would still revert back to the 12 year old girl who cried in the bathroom because her "friends" wouldn't talk to her or because someone called her nasty names. Entertaining thoughts like that were like me acknowledging that I was a hoarder and not hoarding any new stuff without throwing the excess baggage away.  The only thing that allowed me to throw out that feeling of not being accepted was to acknowledge where it was coming from, forgive and release the people I resented for not accepting me and to start loving and honoring me for being me.

Honest to blog, I love me. I love that I can quote Clueless and enjoy music that ranges from top 40 to college radio and everything that isn't only hip-hop. I love that I can spend hours in a museum or library all on my own. I love that I love the smell of books and freshly printed paper and Harry Potter and The Fountainhead and The Never Ending Story and David Bowie. I love that I am uniquely ME! And anyone who does not accept that can pick up their walking papers. Does this new found sense of self love and acceptance mean that all of my drama has been cleared from my mind and that everything is neatly organized? Hell no! I still have times where I feel like I do not belong but those times are few and far between, and when they come up all I say is "I am pure divine love living and breathing  in action and anyone who does not accept that...well that's not really my business who does or doesn't accept me."

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