In an effort to get rid of the not so awesome stuff that has been blocking me from having the super awesome stuff that I deserve, I decided to drop all of it for 8 days. I'd like to say that I arrived at this conclusion to drop everything I've been holding on to like an Alex Wang at a sample sale on my own, but anyone who knows me at all knows that letting things go isn't really my bag. I actually came to this beautiful place of wanting, needing and finally throwing down release while I was talking things over with one of my spiritual running buddies. In a not so beautiful moment I'd begun to hold on to expectations for my relationship, career and living situation in an effort to find comfort in the "what will be"and the "what was" instead of embracing the "what is."This caused all kinds of stress, fear, moments where I was bawling on the couch and all I kept thinking was "You are a spiritual gangsta not someone who lets the past or future rule your present," and boy did that make me feel worse--hello ego posing as my higher self, I see you.
In the middle of this strange slip I reached out to my fave spiritual mama for a real reality check to get me back to where I belong. I told her everything that was going down and what I was trying to do and basically she said I needed to drop it, all of it. I needed to stop replaying the past like a broken VHS, let go of my expectations and do nothing-- a message that came to me three times that week. So I did. I sat in my meditation spot, wrote a letter politely demanding that my ex get out of my space and take any of his bad juju with him and forgiving him for everything, lit a candle or two and mediated for like forever. I wish I had some beautiful story of how the minute I did that he called--well he texted the next day to say he was in town--or that a job magically appeared--a job did come my way the following week--but that night the only thing that came through was peace. Finally I could sleep alone in my bed without feeling alone and that was all I really needed, to be at peace with my own company. This peace felt so deliciously amaze that I continued my 8 days of allowing to fifteen days, so far. I know I'm on the right track, because not only does it feel good but everywhere I look and listen someone is saying "release", "allow", "let go", "drop it."
Like I said, I haven't had major miracles happen every moment of every day--partly because I realized that in doing something to achieve a particular outcome I was feeding my ego and trying to do magic tricks--but I did come to have a few major revelations about myself...and here they are in no particular order:
*I like the way it feels when I come through for people. Let me rephrase that, I like the way people feel about me when I help them out. Basically I'm not really the supportive, loyal to the point of being a masochist because I just am, I'm that way because I'm addicted to the high I get when someone says "Thank you for coming through for/being there for/helping me." This addiction has caused me to call some emotionally unstable/effed up guys into my life. I try to fix/help/hit them with the Virgo Earth goddess energy that radiates off of me and they take what they need then move on. Sooo I'm going to start volunteering to get my helper high and let that fulfill that need so that I can stop calling in people with holes that I desperately want to fill
*I don't want to be a writer because I want to be a writer, I want to be a writer because someone else saw that talent in me and said you'd be a great writer. I love writing, why else would I do it for free, but the kind of writer that I want to be has nothing to do with being some prolific hipster writer who writes while sunning herself on the roof of her Brooklyn apartment and appears in videos for her friend's indie band. That's the kind of writer I always thought he would date so I tried to be that girl, while I love being cynical, listening to obscure music, French New Wave films, Sylvia Plath, looking cool and bored and wearing Wayfarers, I'm sooo not that girl. I went to a state scholl where I studied fashion in hopes of being the next Anna Wintour or Carinne Roitfeld. I want to write stories that weave every aspect of pop culture together, past and present, and tell you how it all relates to what you're being told to wear and what you're actually wearing. Oh and stuff about meditating and getting spiritual.
*I'm not hurt because we broke up, I'm hurt because of what that means for all of the plans we made that I was holding on to. When you're dating someone you make plans for the future and our plans included moving out of Atlanta this year, getting married in the next two years, having kids, traveling the world and eventually growing old together. Those plans are gone...time to make new ones.
*I'm not over it, I'm not ready to fully forgive him, I'm not ready to move on and that is perfectly all good. People want you to get out of bed with one guy and into bed with another and that is sooo not normal. Breaking up is a grieving process and grieving takes time. One day soon I'll be able to say I'm completely. totally over it and send him lots of love but that's not right this moment...maybe later who knows. Until then, writing forgiveness letters, doing releasing meditations and the like is only me fooling myself and I'm not in the habit of fooling myself.
*I love 70s rock...that as nothing to do with anything but it's true.
*I like doing nothing, meaning I like siting back and giving the Divine time to do his thing while I do mine. As my Note From the Universe said this morning "Today, just do a little bit so that I can do a lot of bit."Word!